Moving on...

My last post was a tribute to my special best friend, Tigger, who crossed the "Rainbow Bridge" on January 23.  This blog post is about my recovery and now my obsession to move on with my cat lady life.

Tigger, RIP

Since Tigger's passing my other cats have been grieving.  No, they aren't wailing into tissues and endlessly surfing the Pet Channel for stories that will inspire and stimulate them.  They are pretty cold mourners, actually.  My Toonsis has been a little more vocal than usual and has spent time sniffing under furniture and pulling back drapes to find her hidden companion.  She stares at me as if to say, "what did you do with my buddy?"  I need to clarify these cats were hardly sleep companions.  In fact, Tigger often pounced on Toonsis whenever she got too close to him or sniffed him too enthusiastically.  When they were younger and Toonsis was first introduced, Tigger merely tolerated her and shrugged her off, knowing he was my favorite and she was just my daughter's plaything.  Over time, they grew more compatible and would lay beside each other on the floor and definitely spent time together scouting out sunny places to relax.

Toonsis as a baby

Tigger (center) surrounded by Toonsis (left) and Pepper (right)

Pepper, my youngest cat, has been pretty cavalier about her friend's disappearance. The only time I think she notices he is missing is when it's mealtime and she seeks my big boy to annoy him until I get fed up and feed them both.  Now she eats twice daily like a NORMAL PET.  She has gotten pretty porky lately because I had to feed Tigger constantly--whenever he would eat.  And so whatever he left, those scraps were her specialty.  So her grief has taken the form of a cat who needs to join Overeaters Anonymous.

I have spent time volunteering at the local animal shelter, offering to foster cats now that I am down one.  I always enjoyed fostering as it gave me the impression I was socializing unworthy cats (haha) with my attention and love.  It was always difficult to turn them back over to the shelter, and that may be a problem for me now as well.  I don't know.  After all, that is how Pepper came into the family.  Ungrateful kitty.

But without my constant companion I feel a little lost and think I need to find a way to transfer my affection onto cat(s) who need humans as much as I need them.  Today I am off to an adoption event to discuss this with existing foster families and we will see what I come home with.  Probably an application and a promise of a home visit.

I say I am "obsessed" because I can't seem to shake this loneliness I feel without my best kitty friend.  I've spent time on Petfinder.com thinking I will see that perfect companion waiting for my rescue.  I receive emails from friends telling me to run out and adopt a kitten NOW.  Perhaps waiting until "kitten season" would be best when I can be as choosy as I like.  Getting a new pet in a desperate state is not a good way to ensure a good fit.  Sure, I have two other cats to pour my love on--but frankly, they are so independent and non-cuddly that it just isn't enough.  I want to fuss.  Tigger was such a high maintenance cat that I'm used to the fuss and now have too much free time to mourn him.  I want to pet a cat that doesn't run away when she sees me coming (unless it's dinnertime). 

So off I go...on a mission.  I wonder what the day will bring.  With any luck I will not cry today.  And I will not bring home a puppy.  LOL--that's the threat I use on my husband when he tells me to wait.  I am impatient, like a cat myself, and will restlessly prowl until I find a new litter mate.

When Your Best Friend Dies...

This blog post is dedicated to the "alpha cat" in my household.  Tigger, my amazing dog-like cat, has gone on to heaven to play with the butterflies and ladybugs. I knew that saying goodbye to him would be awful, but it feels like a part of my heart has been shredded as I wander around my home, looking to find remnants of his presence so I can feel close to him in spirit.

He always maintained the cat balance in the home

His habit was to reach out to me and touch me with his sweet paws

He always gave me his honest opinion

Accepting of strangers--our greeter.

Poor Tigger was diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure in October.  For three long months he's been tolerating sub-cutaneous IV fluids, choking down hypertension pills, and foaming at the mouth with his Pepcid AC pills.  If he saw me coming he would run under the kitchen table--knowing I would eventually grab him and get that sucker in his mouth.  God--he hated pills!!!

As I sit here with my heart in my throat I am missing his constant presence and human-like sensitivity to my emotions.  I may have two remaining cats, but neither of them console my weeping like Tigger did.  He was there for me after the devastating loss of a dear father-in-law where I literally cried into his furry body for days.   He was there for me during numerous surgeries and applied himself to my body with his rhythmic purrs and healing touch.  When we sat together, he would often make eye contact and give me that loving cat squint-blink to let me know all was well and he loved me.  No matter what.

I thought, in the end, that his death would be a relief for him and for me.  He was clearly suffering in his final week with a decreasing appetite and he started looking for places to hide and be alone.  He preferred not to be touched in any way and began to howl at night and prowl around restlessly as if he was confused or just didn't feel good.  His numbers were bad--the veterinarian confirmed that it was a short matter of time before he might "crash" and have a heart attack, multiple organ failure, or slip into a coma.  As his precious body grew weaker and thinner I could hardly bear to see him eagerly greet me and attempt to jump on my lap.  I knew our time together was coming to a close and now had the humane imperative to put an end to his suffering.  I didn't want to contemplate the potential for a cat that had died alone and afraid or in pain.  I opted to have the vet come to my home on January 23 and he climbed into my arms where he was sedated.  The last noise I ever heard him make was his endearing snore as he drifted off for the last time.  By the time it was over, I was sobbing hysterically and full of remorse--had I done something wrong to lose this sweet companion?  No.  I know that my life was blessed because of his presence and by his unrelenting love and loyalty.  I pray that now he rests in a place where the sun shines warmly on him and he is with those others who have gone before him--my angels whom I pray will greet me when it's my time to pass.

Now having survived my first week without Tigger I am still crying daily.  I still long for his fat belly to stroke and his raspy tongue to lick my hand.  Sometimes I even think he is right beyond my reach, perceiving a shadow in the corner of my eye that teases me with its promise of a sweet reunion.  Someday.

I am no expert on cat grief, but this is my third beloved cat to pass from a form of organ failure.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky to have had them all for the years I did and none of them died in a sudden accident.  I also know that these cats have all been lovingly spoiled and lived far better lives than thousands of cats on this earth.  This still does not ease the pain.  It seeps into my fingertips as I reach for tissue after tissue.  Grief is something that takes hold of your heart and turns you into a wounded warrior who battles on every day and commits to go on living and fighting to be strong.

All of this may sound excessive in the wake of the death of what many consider "just a fluffy companion."  But when an animal shares your life, in many cases it becomes such an integral part of your family that it feels like the loss of a part of yourself. 

Everything I read tells me not to go out and adopt again for awhile.  Allow my remaining cats to grieve and adapt.  My first impulse is to offer to foster kittens but none are available currently and so my wait begins for my heart to mend and to accept my loss.  Until then, each day I wake to the quiet of a house where Tigger no longer dwells and my other cats look at me mutely, as if to tell me they, too, wonder what's next.