Food IS Love...Right?

What weight problem?

I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm bored, nervous, excited, lonely, sad.  Heck...I even eat when I'm hungry!  Naturally, this has led me to gain weight over the years because no matter how hard I try, it appears that if I eat more calories than I burn, I gain weight!  Many infomercials tell me that this is a preposterous concept and there are pills, powders, contraptions and battery-operated gizmos that will do the work for me and I never have to sacrifice the food I love or get sweaty, but I guess I might have to actually get up once and awhile and move around a little to burn a calorie.  Unfortunately for my cats, they have acquired my talent for power-sleeping and moving as little as possible when looking cute is a better alternative to working for food, therefore, we all have a bit of a weight problem.  But I need to get serious now because my veterinarian says my cats are "obese" and it would break my heart to be the cause of their early demise just because we bond over our kibble.

Couch Potato

At my house, it's the Food Channel 24/7 for my cats and I am the host so they are consistently attempting to sabotage any efforts I make to help them approach a "healthy weight."  If anything, it's all about how to get fed, so how am I supposed to cut back?  I know I should be the strong one, and they depend on me, but how can I resist some of these efforts for attention?  Here are some examples of what I'm up against:

"The Cuteness"

THE CUTE ACT

The cute act is when a cat throws itself at my feet and rolls around showing me its belly and stretches pretending to want a scratch.  It's a total lie.  This is a thinly veiled attempt to get my attention. I know they are calculating how long they need to endure this torture because NONE of my cats like to be touched on their bellies so I will totally take advantage of the chance to squeeze the fat rolls.  When we are finished the mutual time-wasting, I will step over this drama kitty who will then snake between my legs and see if there is a way to either trip me or start a long-winded conversation about how long it's been since they were last fed.  I don't find either of these last two actions to be that cute, so this effort doesn't usually result in a bowl of food.




THE FIGHTING FELINES

This is when one fairly docile cat is lounging around, maybe even draped over me while I'm napping or being lazy in general, and I definitely don't want to be bothered.  Hungry Kitty will sense it and know this is the time to make their move.  The aggressor will approach the docile cat and will just tease at it with leap frog hops or by crawling over us both which makes the docile cat hiss in irritation and makes us both have to rearrange ourselves.  Also, aggressor kitty is almost always THE KITTEN...she is very bad and ALWAYS HUNGRY.  But she knows that if she annoys the other cats long enough I will have to get up from my very comfy place and either make her go away by locking her somewhere else, or giving her a small bowl of dry food so she will eat it and go to sleep.  Which isn't fair to the other cats so they get a little too.  Then THEY ALL EAT.  JACKPOT.  FAT CAT SUCCESS.


BEGGING AT THE TABLE

Dogs aren't the only pets that can be adorable while you eat.  My cats are bold enough to jump into the chair behind you while you are eating if there is enough room behind you.  They will sit beside you with big Puss in Boot eyes and give you tiny meows and kind of lean from side to side lifting the front paws up and down.  What's that about?  I have no idea but it seems like this cat is anxious and it definitely gets the guests to react.  I never give the cats "people food."  Except sometimes they will get a piece of chicken.  Or a tiny piece of unseasoned turkey. Maybe a little bread.  Again, JACKPOT.







STEALTH-WALKING ACROSS THE COUNTER WHEN NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION
(need I explain?...)

One time at a party we put out chip and dip and when I was in another room with my husband my brothers actually watched my cat jump up onto the dining room table and lick the dip out of the bowl and never told anyone until after the party was over...They thought it was really funny.  Me, not so much.

THE PAW GRAB

If I have a mouthful of food on my fork, sometimes our cat will have the nerve to actually reach up and pull the food towards him with an eager paw curled around my arm...This is a smart kitty and in my opinion deserves a treat.

I'd be eager to learn if you have a clever kitty who begs in other ways.  I really don't have any friends with cats that are the "ideal" weight.  I have tried to cut my cats off a little by giving them measured amounts of food at a specific time each day and believe me, THEY KNOW WHAT TIME THAT IS.  Daylight Savings Time is coming this weekend and I can't imagine that is going to go over well.  Their bellies don't adapt to change.  I am grateful that I'm not at the mercy of my cats to feed me because I can just imagine how they would take revenge on me for all the times I pretended not to notice they were hungry.  But if the saying "food is love" is true, my kitties definitely look well-loved.  And if I'm killing them with kibble, does that make me a "cereal killer?"  Funny? No?...Maybe I need a snack.

Please excuse me, I have a HAIRBALL!!

PUSS IN BOOTS

One of my favorite animated movies is Shrek II.  How much time do you think the animators spent studying cats and videotaping and rewinding a cat hacking up a hairball?  I laughed so hard that when the supporting character "Puss in Boots," personified by the animators as this intimidating and swashbuckling assassin was overcome with the hacking and wretching caused by a hairball gagged up at the feet of this poor humiliated kitty that other people in the audience must have thought I was nuts.  Most cat owners will understand, however, that the vomiting of "hairballs" in cats is one of the alarming mysteries of cat ownership. Although it may be comedic at times, it is something that will cause you panic as well as misery depending on the cause.

It is this disgusting and uncharacteristic behavior (well, perhaps it is not THAT different from other repulsive things my kitties do) that I wish to vent about today.   First, I think it's remarkable how a cat can strut around confidently on a thin railing about 1/4" in width when the cat itself is the girth of Jabba the Hut, but then a wave of gastrointestinal reflux will reduce this graceful animal into the most clutsy and unbecoming creature you will behold for at least 10 seconds.  This cat will not only STOP behaving like the adorable and elegant creature you admire, it will transform into a coughing and wheezing creature projecting its lungs onto the nearest carpet/couch/sweater/blanket. And that's my SECOND point, let's make no mistake, if there is any bare floor or linoleum around, this cat will still run and find the nearest soft and padded surface on which to share the contents of its esophagus with you.  And once the spasms of the poor critter have passed and the cat backs away from it like a crime scene, you will be left to helplessly ponder what just occurred...?? Is this a sick cat?  Is he shedding? Did he get into a plant?  Your knitting?  Some spoiled food?  Should you call the vet?  Your carpet cleaner?  A priest??  At the same time I am reaching for the enzymatic cleansers and paper towels, I am inspecting the contents of the goo to determine what I am cleaning up.  Forgive the detail, but sometimes it's less of a sticky mass, and more of a foam...a bit of mucus, a bit of whipped Friskies Buffet.  I am always relieved when it's mostly fur.  But as I have an older kitty, I am always on the alert for things that are the "wrong color", or "too wet"...I have pored over articles suggesting my cat might have some kind of ulcer, colitis, reflux, A TUMOR??...I'm sure he is just trying to annoy me at this point because I've spent hundreds of dollars testing him for all of these things and he is JUST FINE.  He will go to the vet and perform like a champ.  He will be probed and poked, the vet says he is TOO FAT if anything, reduce his intake and make sure he has enough water.  The reward I get for all of my tender loving care is...MORE PUKE.  On the carpet.  At this point I think he is just trying to get even with me for all the vet trips.

I also notice that my cat prefers to do his regurgitating at around 2-4am.  Right outside my bedroom door.  Or on the steps.  So when I wake up all alarmed and concerned, (which is inevitable, he is hardly discreet about his moist heaving and splattering on the carpet) it is such a JOY to find it by stepping in it with my bare feet.  Have I mentioned yet how much I love my cat?  I'm sure I have.  I realize he may be doing this ON PURPOSE to get my attention because now that I'm awake and cleaning my foot off, he's prancing around thinking I'm going to feed him breakfast, because, after all, his stomach is empty...Is it possible for cats to be this manipulative?  Maybe he needs a kitty shrink?  Maybe I DO! 

So, what to do?  I purchased a special vacuum that cleans up the worst messes and the cats run for the hills when I pull it out for the heavy duty jobs.  It is LOUD.  And they can all blame Tigger for the disturbance.  So while they are loathing him for the interruptions in their nap schedule, secretly I believe he is still plotting his next offensive and any virgin carpet he can soil.  I can almost imagine him rubbing his paws together and chuckling like Puss in Boots.  But who could resist that kitty when he turned on those adorable big eyes in the end?