Translate THIS!

There are lots of times I am alone in the house and because they say it's totally normal for geniuses to talk to themselves, I just ramble on and on and my little cat minions follow me around and we have lively little running commentaries. I used to pretend that cats are poly-lingual because I've had exchange students who call to them in their native languages and they still come, and I marveled at how intelligent they are! When did Tigger study Spanish and German?? What a phenomenal boy! And just to confuse our listeners when others are around, I've created our own little language that sounds a little like baby talk, but more like gibberish, and they know EXACTLY what I'm saying! Am I the only person who does this with my cats? Can I get a "What? What?" (or is it a woot woot?) Don't leave me hanging here because my husband has come home for lunch a couple times and I've been engaging in conversation with the cats and he looks at me like I need to lay down for my nap...No, I'm not feverish, it's just more fun to talk to the cats and see if I can confuse them. Cocky little stinkers--they think they're so smart!!  They almost always answer me with a tail in the air or a meow and sometimes they get quite agitated if I keep repeating myself.  No doubt we sound like the nondescript droning of Charlie Brown's teacher to our felines, yet it's still fun to pretend our dialogues have a deeper meaning and you never know when they're going to lose interest so it had better sound good unless you want to find yourself talking to the tail.

Now there are some kitties that don't talk as much as others, and some breeds that never shut up (hello Siamese!!) but each cat has its own special manner of communication and after awhile you understand cat vocabulary and will know precisely which version of meow means, "I'm greeting you, aren't you lucky?" or "I would like to be fed now because it's been at least 15 minutes since my last meal." If you're particularly skilled you will recognize the phrase, "I just lost my lunch somewhere between your favorite cushion and the plant" before it becomes part of the floor pattern.  Sometimes what they say is just simple body language, but that's another blog entirely.

Toonsis, the talking cat

I also laugh out loud at our kitty, Toonsis, because she is quiet all day long, but around 9pm every night she feels compelled to catch me up on everything all day like a town crier. She will follow me from room to room chatting away until I stop and listen and give her a nice ear scratch. She's hilarious. After this routine she INSISTS on jumping into my husband's bathroom sink and drink from his faucet to clear her throat and who am I to deny her the running water that she loves so much??

You will see all kinds of websites dedicated to translating the meows of cats and the different patterns and behaviors of their vocalizations.  And all cats have their unique squeaks and squawks which can be both very sweet or terribly offensive.  But my opinion is that the translation depends largely upon the listener because if you aren't paying attention to what the cat is saying...well, you'd just better keep an eye out for any strange patterns in your carpet or behind your plants.  Kitty has spoken and will typically get the last word.

Paws like Daggers

Do you let your cat(s) sleep in your bed?  If you do, then you have been the inevitable victim of "Dagger Paw Syndrome."  This is the result of having a cat that can weigh as little as five pounds, but in the middle of the night decide to walk across your chest and stand on your lungs and it seems like all of their weight is concentrated directly in their paws giving the sensation of tiny daggers stabbing you awake.  You don't have to have a cat with claws to experience the sensation of DPS either.  Two of our cats are declawed but they have just as much strength in their dagger paws as any cat when they take their midnight stroll across my stomach, thigh, or face.  It doesn't seem to bother them that the "ground" beneath them is breathing or moving.  Even better, if it's morning and they notice you aren't awake yet, DPS is a great way to arouse you from your slumber and it can be used to gently choke you or crush your larynx if you haven't responded to the subtle chewing that some cats employ on the fleshy inner arm area of their owners.  What?  Your cats don't try to consume your skin while you sleep?  Maybe it's just my cats that seem like they are plotting to kill me if I don't wake up when their breakfast alarms are going off, but they definitely don't respect Daylight Savings Time, weekends, hangovers, the flu, holidays, or snow days.  If their stomachs say it's chow time, I'd better wake up NOW or else there's going to be a huge cat standing on my chest blowing his Fancy Feast breath into my nostrils like a fierce dragon.

Over the years we have been able to employ methods to deter or distract our cats from the battle of DPS.  A silent squirt bottle on the nightstand angled directly at the bed sometimes does the trick.  If I make the sound of the squirt bottle and point my finger, sometimes I get the same reaction as if I had the actual bottle in my hand--but I think they are getting wise to this...We have closed our bedroom door at night to lock out the little poopsies and let them fend for themselves until morning.  But then we have to deal with Tigger who throws his entire body against the door at 05:30 without fail...it's almost easier to let him stay with us and pray he doesn't smother us while we sleep.

I actually enjoy having the cats with us until dawn, unless I need to get up and use the bathroom and they mistakenly believe this means it's morning and it's TIME TO GO HAVE BREAKFAST!! YAY! Again, I have to deploy measures to scatter the cats unless they take a hint with a quick "shush!" or if I just pretend I'm sleepwalking...

I guess I'm just going to have to accept DPS is a result of cat ownership and even though there should be some warning label on all kittens of this side effect as they grow, would we believe it when they were that small unless it happened to us?  And, really, would it make a difference?

Red Light, Green Light!

 Click to see the Ninja Cat!

I don't know about you, but when I was young my parents actually kicked us OUT of the house to play unless it was raining or it was subzero outside and as ingenious children (or simple-minded, take your pick) we would find entertaining things to do alone like floating acorns down storm drains, placing pennies on train tracks, climbing trees and scraping the bejeezus out of our arms and legs. If we were lucky, we had neighbors who joined us and we created little armies that would wear tracks in Mom's garden because we were just too lazy to walk on sidewalks but had so much energy we couldn't possibly sit still long enough to have the PB&J wiped off our faces before we went back outside to play again. These gangs of children were so inventive and we had so many awesome games like Kick the Can, Capture the Flag, Four Square, and during the summer we got to play Ghosts in the Graveyard! But my favorite game was Red Light, Green Light where you had a swarm of kids at one end of an alley/street/yard and one person got to be the traffic light. When the traffic light turned their back on the kids saying "Green Light," they could all try to get as close as possible but as soon as the traffic light turned around and said, "Red Light!" each child had to freeze exactly in place and not move until the traffic light changed. If the kids chasing the light fell or kept chasing the light, they were out. I always sucked at being the light because I would turn around so fast and then became afraid of the gathering stampede and freak out and ended up getting tagged so hard because everyone knew I was going to wimp out so the object was to just run as fast as possible to get to me when I was the light. But I still loved the freezing and posing.  Sometimes kids fell down and then we would point and laugh.

Anyhow, I think that cats love this game too. I know this is a stalking maneuver but have you seen the video on YouTube of the "Ninja Cat?" (see the link above) It's not like it does any attacking when it finally arrives at the destination but look how excited it is when it is approaching the "traffic light." Every time I watch this kitty I laugh out loud because of its ability to practically teleport itself into a closer location each time you peek and act as if it's a statue that never moved. Hilarious. My cats will play this game with me too and it reminds me of the days of when I played it as a child. And the best time creep out your cat and play this game is when they are already irritated from playing some other frustrated game like "where's my food?" They hate that! So, to summarize, I have been able to initiate this game with my little pals and still enjoy the thrill of the chase because being the traffic light is being in control. And now I don't freak out anymore. And I just wonder if anyone still plays this outside because in my neighborhood the kids go outside to chat with each other on their iPhones. I guess it wouldn't be the same if one kid stood there looking at his phone and texted "green light" to the other kids and they approached him (while texting) and then he turned around and texted "red light"...because they probably wouldn't be paying attention anyway.

Are You a Dog Person or a Cat Person?

Do I have to choose?  I might say I'm a "cat person" but that's kind of an obvious answer because I have three cats.  It only means I can't have dogs because I HAVE THREE CATS and my husband will divorce me if I bring anymore animals into the house.  How did I get three cats anyway?  When we first got married in 1990, we adopted this little rascal of a kitten from a pet store (yes, I know--horrible! should have gone to a shelter! But I was young and it was on my way to Giant).  His name was Winston and I fell in love with him when I noticed the store was closed and he was not in the display with the other kittens but climbing around on the shelves above the terrariums and fish.  What a rebel!  Since my husband and I worked full time and both of us had heinous Northern VA commutes and we each went 45 minutes in opposite directions each day, we knew it wouldn't be right to have a dog who would need to walk and get exercise during the day.  We had a little suburban townhouse and a kitten seemed the right choice.  Over the years, the cat worked his wily ways into our hearts and we became smitten with kittens and couldn't imagine having any pet that required more maintenance than cleaning a litterbox and refilling a food dish and occasional vet trips.  Winston was a dream.

We had neighbors with adorable Labrador Retrievers and Poodles, and over the years our family members have gotten a smart little Boston Terrier and we find all these dogs hilarious and full of personality and comedy.  There is nothing better than watching these dogs play in the park and seeing a big dog and small dog play tag and nip at each others heels.  I also envy those dog walkers and joggers who can bring their furry friends on their fitness quests and even those mommies with the strollers who ambitiously speed walk with their babies and doggies at the same time.  Dogs can do all kinds of things and enjoy all kinds of freedom that cats can't--for example, when is the last time you saw a cat poke it's head out of the back window of an SUV to enjoy the salty air on a ride to the beach?  And have you ever seen a cat catch a frisbee in its mouth or play catch?  (actually, my cats can retrieve some toys for me, but they do this when they feel like it, not when I do)  I will confess, there are plenty of occasions I have missed my pets when I'm on vacation and wished I could have them beside me when I've taken a stroll down a new road or thought how nice it would be to have a guard dog barking at the door when the solicitors arrive, just to make them think twice.

I have plenty of friends who have one of each, and I guess there may be one day when my daughters take their cats away with them and I'm left with only one that my darling husband may consent to a dog.  And then I will be able to make a fair comparison.  For now, however, I have to say I'm a "cat person" but only because of my limited resources and patience and not because I don't like dogs.  So please don't take my answer as an offense to dogs.    Now it's time for me to go walk my cat.

Are Cats Psychic?

I often think about that cat that made headlines a year or two ago when it was hanging out in the nursing home and it would occasionally jump on the lap of some poor unsuspecting geriatric patient (I think it was in a hospice unit, or perhaps a "senior living facility?") There this typically misanthropic kitty would sit quietly and sleep or give comfort to the family of the future victim--because this kitty became the Harbinger of Death...(yikes!!)  Now, I certainly am no cat whisperer, even though my family would accuse me of this talent constantly, I do suspect cats have an innate sense of our human suffering and a need to provide us with companionship if they believe we are depressed, ill, or just plain down on our luck.

My particular feline favorite, Tigger, is very sensitive to my mood swings and gives me a wide berth when I'm agitated and energetic.  He is the most social of the three cats we own--we also have Toonsis who is 2, and Pepper who is 8 months.  Tigger, being the older and wiser 13yr old that he is, follows me around like a dog to heel, and will seldom be found in any room by himself without either the other cats or a human unless he isn't well.  But this brings me to my question...do cats know when WE aren't well??  Over the last three years I've had multiple surgeries and the most recent diagnosis of Lupus and so I've spent countless hours either sleeping to recover or just laying around draped over a couch or feeling sorry for myself and he is literally pasted to my leg.  I have to climb OVER him to get up, and even then, he won't leave me unless I get the squirt bottle or if there is something yummy to eat elsewhere.  Recently, I had a fever and felt so awful and it was in one of those moments that I just felt dizzy and lethargic and he came to me to gave me one of his head bump kisses, almost as if to say "It's going to be okay, I'm not leaving." And then he curled his big 22lb. body down around me.  He has these precious cross-eyes and this loud rhythmic purr which any cat lover knows is music to our ears when we just need a meditative moment to chill.  So there he is, spooning me, (or using my body heat, however you want to see it) and I feel so comforted and LOVED.  But what I also noticed in that moment is that he stayed with me until my fever broke and constantly got up to walk up to me and give me those head bumps just to check on me.

Now, I don't want to assume someday he is going to be a Harbinger of Death.  I don't want him to be the last sight I see before I nod off for the last time.  And frankly, if I knew about that senior center kitty and saw him coming to a relative's room I would have probably freaked out and shooed him off!  But I do think that animals possess a sixth sense and at the very least they know more about suffering than we do (well, maybe not MY cats, but I do know a lot of poor abused kitties and doggies at the shelter who could tell some stories).    But wouldn't it be great if we knew for sure?  Because then we could assume they see dead people.  And maybe, after all, that's why that Grim Reaper kitty was going to the bedside of the old people--maybe he was just hanging out with the people we couldn't see, not just marking people for extermination?  How creepy is that?  Just wondering.  Don't judge, it's the kind of thing my cat lover brain thinks about when I have a fever and I'm being squished by my feline caretaker.  Maybe it's time for another Advil.

The Source of the Smell....

Yes, I know my cats are adorable.  And I am not biased.  Really... But something had to be done about that large cat that kept peeing all over the house.  If I didn't stop his marking, my husband was going to lock him out and let him freeze his little paws off.  And we aren't talking about a cat that knows anything about survival.  This is one GI-normous cat who has been pampered and fussed over all life and is probably the sweetest but dumbest cat I've ever known.  (That's him--Tigger--the handsome one in the red and green sweater.  Isn't he a remarkable specimen?)  Anyway, anyone with a multi-cat household knows that when you have one or more kitties, there is bound to be a kerfluffle at one time or another to determine whose highest on the chain of command.  A fight, some hissing at times, but the dreaded scent of pee in a corner or on your favorite sweater in the hamper is enough to make you look for the phone number for the local vet to make sure he got all those testicles during the surgery.  Really?  You're sure??  I can't tell you how many times I've had to get down on all fours and sniff the carpet to locate the source of the stench and locate it with a black light, and do research on the best enzyme cleaners to remove it from the fibers.  We've thrown out backpacks, throw rugs, jackets, dry cleaner bags that fell onto the floor, empty cardboard boxes that must have resembled litter boxes, toyboxes, shoeboxes, shoes, toys, cat beds, dollhouses--anything that sits on the floor and looks like a cat could sit inside it and pee comfortably....!!!  We have even replaced our carpeting on our entire first floor (and padding), yet we kept the cat.  This is only because my husband loves me, believe me.  And every time I scrub the messes up and try to clean the evidence before my darling husband comes home, I am cursing that bad Tigger under my breath.  What can be done???  Was I sure it was him?  Yes.  I followed him around and when we caught him in the act, he was proudly shaking that tail high in the air with defiance and peeing straight onto the wall right onto the front door!!  Great.  What a welcoming aroma that will be for our guests. (gag). Not quite the same as Pumpkin Spice or Vanilla Lavender.

Well, I am a very blessed woman who happens to have a stay-at-home job with two interesting teenagers (let's just leave it at that for now) so I found the time to investigate the root of the problem rather than abandon Tigger to the local animal shelter.  (sidenote:  I volunteer at the shelter and you would be amazed at how many loving families have given up when they can't determine why their beloved cats do this terrible deed.  I was determined to rescue my cat on behalf of all cats and see if I could provide suggestions to other families in the same predicament I was in--if I was successful)  So I just started paying attention.  CLOSE attention.  DAY ONE:  Feed cats in the a.m., Tigger goes to the litterbox, but AHA! box has residue from other cat!!  He turns around to find other box (there are only two boxes in this home of two cats) and it is also dirty with number #2 from other cat.  He decides he must "hold it" and walks away.  INSIGHT: Clean boxes immediately and put a little deodorizer in and spread it around.  Pick up Tigger and return him to clean box.  He immediately urinates in clean box (STANDING UP!!!) and walks out and looks up at me...thanks Mom!!  Good job!!  I run and get a treat and feed him!  I clean it after him and notice the other cat goes to the other box.  I clean it as well.  DAY TWO:  Tigger heads towards the last place he had an "accident" and pauses.  I follow him and he looks at me.  He turns around and heads to the litter box.  It is clean.  He uses it.  I give him a treat.  He looks at me.  I pet him and say, "Good boy!"  He walks away with his tail high.  Success!!  DAY THREE:  I have been gone for hours and pray that the boxes aren't funky--did he use it today?  I check and both boxes are dirty.  Tigger greets me with a funny look on his face.  He's licking his "lips" (cats don't really have lips, do they?).  I clean the boxes and he follows me.  He goes into the clean box and I watch him pee--STANDING UP.  (Is he marking the box?)  Anyway, he didn't pee outside the box, so I give him a treat and clean it up.  INSIGHT:  Time to get another box.  Two isn't enough.  DAY FOUR:  Okay, I had to move all the boxes around so there are two in the basement but not right next to each other, and one upstairs.  Now maybe if he doesn't have to go as far, he won't miss?  Breakfast, walk to clean the box and he follows me.  BINGO!  He goes.  INSIGHT:  Both cats go after breakfast and are regular like clockwork.  They are almost like dogs in the sense they go at the same time of day and I just don't need to walk them.  I notice a pattern in the time they go.  Luckily, I have the luxury of being around to know when this is, but I've also noticed that when they need to go (or right before), they start licking their lips, so for me this is my cue to walk to the box and Tigger usually follows me.  I've mentioned he's a fat boy, right?  He knows he's going to get a treat if he uses the box.  Now he is associating the treats with the box.  If he doesn't go, I will just try again in 30 minutes.   DAY FIVE:  The day has been great.  He is going all by himself and I haven't had to walk him to the litterbox at all.  However, all of the fastidious cleaning of the three boxes is definitely more than I typically deal with, so that is the trade off for the scrubbing of floors and decontamination of toys.  What's this?  I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and he's walking to the front door where he went to pee last week.  He is acting suspicious.  Just when I'm about to get up he starts crying.  Why?  It's like he is telling me he wants to go out.  I get up and call him and he dutifully follows me...to the box.  I WIN!  I think we are finally on the right track.