Cats & Sleep Deprivation

So, if you follow my blog you may have noticed that I took a long holiday.  I'm a writer so that happens when we run out of inspiration.  Actually, that's not what happened.  I am working on a bigger project so I've neglected my blogging but TBH but today I am going to plunge into the important topic of

SLEEP DEPRIVATION IN CATS.

Today, I'm inundated with cat adoration as they apply their little bodies to my legs...their superpower of sleeping in many different contortions is at an all-time high. It's probably because they love me. It may be because I'm not feeling well.  Either way, I appreciate my cats the most on days like today.


Nevertheless, here we are.  I'm surrounded by cats who, by all impressions, seem incapable of giving a shit about how I sit, as long as they can find a way to cut off my circulation.  But if you have a cat, you've been there.  You try hard to adjust without moving them as they kind of slide down and then take big leonine stretches and curl their little paws around you, and maybe a claw or two snags your leg. And, like sleeping babies, you don't want to disturb them because then EVERY CAT will have to get up and pace around and then knead incessantly at the most tender area of your solar plexus to get comfortable again for their next coma session.

Must...make...all...the...biscuits...

But I really need to get up. Maybe I'll wait.  My bladder isn't really that important.

So if you can relate and know what I mean...you have cats and you REALLY love your cats.

My husband has a remarkable ability to just lift a cat off him and get up, and then they look at him with their feline irritation, and clean their paws as if they weren't just dismissed like a piece of lint.
I even saw him PUSH one of them off of him once (!!!!) And because I was watching, this kitty looked at me to see if I saw this outrage and their PTSD, and came at me for a nice reassuring head scratch! The least I can do after being a witness to this crime.

Now, let's imagine for a moment we are the cats.  We NEED our rest.  Like, 18-22 hours/day of rest.  So for someone to thoughtlessly interrupt that and deprive them of those necessary zzzz's is unthinkable.  Can you imagine what it would be like to have someone wake you up by physically lifting you while you are in REM sleep and toss you on the ground?? Every day?? I can't.  The closest thing I have to this is perhaps when my kids were infants and seemed so very groggy when guests came to visit, particularly during the day when the house might have resembled a daycare center with no staffers. These deluded visitors would cradle my babies lovingly and then coo about what perfect SLEEPERS they were.  I was like, "Sure, just come over at 2am and see what a great sleeper she is." (smirk)
Eventually after many hours of nursing, burping, rocking, changing diapers, full-on adult crying and begging, and repeating the nursing-rocking cycle and finally little angel can be placed ONLY ON THEIR BACK, (DO YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO DIE OF SIDS???) and then noiselessly backing away to any horizontal location inviting enough to enjoy for perhaps 45 minutes. Only too be reawakened by said thoughtless baby acting helpless and all whatever.  How rude.

But, let's get back to cats.  You didn't come here to read about how sleep-deprived new mothers are. That is a whole OTHER blog community.

It's your CATS that are sleep-deprived.  And if you love them and really want them to be happy, for God's sake, please find a way to gently scoop them up in the least disruptive way possible, and place them on the softest surface available, hopefully the fluffiest of brushed flannel, using your elbow to verify it is the proper temperature so they can curl back up and continue to sleep uninterrupted.  Or if they are really spread out over you, carefully SLIDE your way out from beneath them, not moving too quickly, or else you will get the glare of doom notifying you of how they will interrupt YOUR NEXT REM SLEEP.  Perhaps even with dagger paws directly on your throat, thus obstructing your airway. Take THAT silly human!

Things are getting serious.  I really need to get up.

SO, in closing, what really matters is that you CAN find a way to all stay comfortable.  You may have to be a little dehydrated.  But remember, your sleeping kitty deserves the best human possible. One who is attentive, and warm.  And able to sit for long periods without need of food or drink,  able to tolerate the lack circulation in their legs or arms. 

But just THINK of all the cute positions they can sleep in!  The internet will never run out of pics of cats sleeping.  I certainly enjoy looking at all the precious little posers.

Kitties need teddy bears too!

Blehp

Give me a friggin' break!

Cats and Aging

I've read plenty of articles that say that owning a pet can prolong your life.

And then I laugh.

If you are reading this, chances are pretty good either: 1) you are my mother, or 2) you own a pet.
And if you are a pet owner, (yes, that means you too Mom) then the idea that our pets make us live longer is almost laughable.  Let's examine the facts:

1) I am convinced my cat is trying to kill me.  Simon has found so many ways to be RIGHT in harm's way when I'm walking down a dark stairwell, bent over a hot oven, or exercising.  One would think after having his tail stepped on numerous times, or having his paws pinched in a door, or being squished because I can't plank with a cat under me, that he would know better.  He's stupid or he has a strategy.  I would like to think he's probably just stupid, but as many times as he has gotten away with the numerous bad things he does, I think he's pretty clever.  So that means he is trying to off me.  And that sucks.

2) When my cat is sick it takes years off my life.  Either I am freaking out because he's lost weight because he's a picky eater, he's fallen off the second story ledge AGAIN, or his stinky breath makes me imagine he has gum disease which will lead to serious illness and ultimately, death.  All of these scenarios are terrifying. Despite him being a pain in my ass, he's so cute.  And after losing three cats over the years, I'm not in any hurry to do so again.  It's expensive and it sucks.

3) If I am late it is usually my cat's fault.  I don't know how many times I've gotten ready to go somewhere and Simon will follow me to the door to say goodbye.  This leads to me mentally double-checking if he's been fed.  So I have to go back and feed him.  And am I the only one who pauses when leaving to count cats?  I need to take inventory to be sure no one of my three cats is locked outside on the porch or stuck in a closet.  So that can lead to me searching the house and unless they are all napping together, chances are this takes another 5 minutes off my ETA.  Perhaps I'm ready to go but have a cuddly kitty on my lap.  He cannot be disturbed!  I do hate to be late.  Being late makes me anxious.  Being anxious is bad for your health.

4)  My cat likes to destroy things or choke on them.  Everyone knows cats love puzzles = anything perched on a flat surface. When he breaks a "puzzle" I can't just leave without cleaning it up. Additionally, he seems to know exactly what time I'm leaving and does the "gag trick".  You just can't walk out when your pet is choking!! Once I catch him to investigate, I find a wad of towel paper in his mouth, or dental floss, my medicine, or whatever he can dig out of the trash.  I have to jam my fingers into his mouth and extract the funk leading him to bite me and draw blood.  Necessitating bandaids.  Or contemplating if I could do cat CPR.  Both of these make me anxious.  See conclusion in item #3 above.

5)  Every time I take a nap he wakes me up.  This may not seem like a big deal, but as any woman who has any fatigue can tell you, momma takes naps very seriously.  When I'm down, he decides once I've just entered REM sleep that's the ideal time to leap directly onto my solar plexus and dig at me with his paw knuckles.  This is a startling experience.  Not healthy.

I'm sure the articles I've read suggesting my pet is prolonging my life are referring to elderly sedate animals.  Not my cute monster who has been a kitten for three years.  But if I pause to consider my life without my hilarious, ungrateful, adorable, stinky little heartbreaker, I just can't imagine it. I'm trading a little of my time for his.  And that's okay with me.

Why We Talk Baby Talk to our Kitties

For 27 years I've been a cat owner and lover, and despite having ACTUAL humans that I've given birth to that know my real voice isn't that high, I still persist in talking "baby talk" to my cats.  It's not that they can't understand me if I don't.  I know this by their immediate response when my husband bellows at them because they are shredding the furniture with their claws or they've just been caught drinking from the cereal bowl at the table while he stepped away or they just speed away from a room looking guilty based on his tone.  But with me it's different.  Their response to most of my inane questions ("Whatsa little floofy doing?  Hmm? You cleaning your paws?? Aww WOOK at dose tiny paws") is usually a flat stare and sometimes I get a vague "meow" if I repeatedly ask questions.  My reward for my persistence can sometime rise to the level of an affectionate slow blink or even a significant meow.

When my kids were small, I read somewhere that babies respond vocally more frequently to a female voice, perhaps due to the higher pitch and because they've been in that snuggly uterus listening to a mommy babble.  Maybe aurally-speaking (is that possible?)  this is their preferred parent from the start.   I figure that if my kids love to hear me babble, so will my cats.  Duh. And now my kids are all grown, I still have the need to nurture my kitties like babies, often carrying them down stairs, holding them like babies, and allowing one presumptuous feline to knead at me for hours because he thinks I may have a milk source somewhere in that soft blanket I have on.

And guess what?  My cats DO listen to me when I address them in my falsetto mommy voice.  Often when I speak to them it's to clarify whether they do indeed see that bird, did they just make stinky in the box, do they know they don't belong on that counter, and did they find their ball?  I can tell they're listening because they look directly at me and squeak.  I don't get full throated meows unless I have accidentally closed the door on a kitty who wants out (or in...and then out...or in), or if it's the middle of the night and they are vocalizing the sounds of their tribe.  I have one kitty who tries to talk, and, God love him, he really has something to say.  But it's more as if he just has a noisy exhale...mouth fully open and he leans in, and nothing.  Just a ghost meow squeak.


I noticed I'm not the only animal lover who talks baby talk to her fur babies.  Most of my friends and relatives have dogs, cats, even fish that they denigrate with their matronizing tones.  As if the pets can't understand us or identify us with our true voices.  But there's just something so natural about being a "high talker" when you have a dependent living creature that makes eye contact with you when you address them in this way.  And satisfying.  Using my everyday conversational tone which I might use to call my friends with, just isn't the same when I'm addressing my cats.  Admit it.  You do it too.

Now if only they could actually "speak"  then perhaps I might shut up.  But until my cats form words, I will continue to babble away, nonsensical, because I think they like it.  And because they are my babies.  Yes they are.  Who are my babies?  Gitchy gitchy goo...

The Lion in my Living Room

The other day my daughter suggested I see a Netflix video titled "The Lion in Your Living Room."  It was a documentary about cat behavior and how our domesticated fluffy companions have descended  and evolved from their big cat ancestors.

This was an amusing idea to me because sometimes I feel that humans are the ones who evolved and adapted to cats as opposed to the reverse.  Take my husband, for example.  He wasn't always a "cat person" (not all guys are eager to admit they are for some reason even if it's true) but now he is a bonafide cat lover.  Of course he has no choice because I subject him to the rigors of cat ownership and make him watch endless YouTube videos on cats.  My hubby realized it was easier to succumb to the cuteness of cats than insist upon his independence which is intolerable to cats.  The best way to get a cat to love you is to ignore them.  And I think in his case, it has paid off mightily.

We have one particular cat, Pepper, who isn't named that simply because of her looks.  She has a prickly personality and will only tolerate you in small doses.  Pepper would prefer to do a bobcat impression and hiss and spit at you rather than cuddle and adore you as most pets should.  In Pepper's defense, it's probably our fault she is such a little sh*t as we have been her owners since she was three weeks old and was socialized poorly (i.e. we didn't worship her adequately or teach the other cats to succumb to her greatness).  But out of the 7 cats we've owned, I've never had such an ornery and stubborn cat.  She has adopted one member of the household, and other than being fed, she refuses to acknowledge other humans or cats as her equal.  It only takes one moment for her to turn on you when she deigns to present her belly for rubbing, and then hears any noise, seriously, and run away.  A friend of mine has labeled her "one eye Pepper" because you more often see her backside as she runs off that a full cat sighting.  In terms of adapting and evolving, Pepper didn't get the memo on being a human companion or investing herself in the relationships that surround her.  Our other two cats might approach Pepper carefully for a sniff, and she retreats quickly or bats at them with her paw like an insulting face slap as if they were cat perverts.  Our cats just look at me after getting smacked as if to say "was it something I did?"  I can only reassure them that Pepper is so very sensitive, she doesn't need an excuse to work her magical charms at defensive hissing and/or scratching.

Remember I did say she has adopted one of us as her owner, and thank goodness it's my daughter who will eventually move away and take Pepper with her.  For some reason, Pepper feels safe only in her company and will happily submit to any number of indignities at the hands of this human. Whether it be her monthly claw trimming, or just being manhandled and juggled around like a stuffed toy, my daughter can do nothing to offend Pepper.  Yet Pepper appears twice daily for me to feed her and offer her culinary sacrifices such as Liver and Chicken pate or catnip flavored treats. She will then look at me with disgust at my meager offering and run away.  Or she will eat hers and any portion I have left for another cat.  Either way, she is entitled to this rude behavior because I have enabled it.  But how does one nurture a nasty kitty and teach it to be loving and kind?  I give up because I'm not about to call a cat psychic or the cat specialist and be trained on the art of submitting my dignity to this annoying cat.  Like I said, I love cats, but Pepper pushes the envelope in my home and makes the idea of a dog more attractive.

To all of you out there who have adopted and rescued a cat only to be treated with ingratitude and an aloof demeanor, you know how I feel.  The least these cats can do is sit on our lap or beside us once in awhile to make us feel like the generous hosts we are to their inexplicable ungraciousness.  *sigh*

Or we can recognize that not all cats have adapted and still expect to be worshipped as an Egyptian God.  I guess Pepper is waiting for her big debut on a tomb somewhere as the hieroglyph she aspires to be.  Stinker.

.

You Smell Like You've Been With Another Cat....

 Have you ever been away from your home and your independent kitty comes to greet you (if you're lucky) does a double-sniff on you and then gets all needy and pushes up on you? It's kind of like a double take -- but it's when your kitty becomes obsessed with the smell of the rim of your shoes, or acts like your fingers smell like butter or something just isn't right...This happens to me when I have innocently TOUCHED an unfamiliar dog, cat, or human baby. It's like my cats zero in on alien aroma like its some kind of cardinal sin and they give me a wounded look like
"You JEZEBEL!" 

Now if this sounds extreme to you, I ask you to test your cat right now, go outside and rub someone you don't know (haha) or even better, squeeze a squirrel if you can catch one, and then offer your hands to your cat to see their reaction.  It's priceless.  They seldom recoil in disgust, most often the cat will wrap itself around you and lick you relentlessly with its scratchy tongue until it has absorbed the stench of your offending sin from your body.  Now, if your cat doesn't react that way, it just doesn't love you as much as my cats love me. LOL😀

I think I know why my cats do this.  My husband has offered the theory that they are incredibly possessive of me, my older daughter thinks they are waiting for an excuse to consume me and are just checking to see if I'm still alive by my reaction, and my younger daughter thinks the cats believe I am another cat and they are cleaning me so I can smell just like them.

But I agree with my husband and think it's because they just can't seem to get close enough to me and are incredibly jealous.  The best way to get a cat's attention is to totally ignore it.  I have the perfect example.  You've seen those pets interrupting yoga videos?

I know this behavior is not unique to cats.  Dogs (and most pets in general) hate to be ignored.  And who can blame them?  Until they can speak and tell us to fetch them a beer or teach us tricks, they are at our mercy and they have to be either heartwarming and cute or annoy the bejeezus out of us.

Anyway, back to the double-sniff.  I think once your cat has imprinted upon you like a baby bird, if it smells any eau-de-wtf or if you dare to touch another pet without its express consent, they need to investigate your infidelity.  They mark you with their cheeks, butts and paws which all contain scent glands. So when that friendly neighborhood cat comes up to say "hi" doing figure-eights around your legs--that's its way of saying "I know you! Mine!"  They may drool on you when they get a nice massage and come at you face first, and then arch their backs and use their paws on the nearest scratching post (your couch perhaps?) or "make biscuits" on you--massaging you with those paws--again pushing those pheromones ALL OVER YOU.  This is all feline for MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!

I wish I could say that cats confuse me, but after owning so many cats, I completely get it. Cats are the only animals who can get away with this subtle rubbing and make it seem like they are just saying hello.  But it's the equivalent of a dog lifting it's leg and saluting a fire hydrant.  But take it as a compliment. When you get all this attention and a cat wants to smell where you've been, just remember, you don't own a cat, it owns you. 

The Cuteness Factor

Our "kitten" is no longer a kitten.  He's more like a puppy. Anyone who has ever had a Ragdoll breed mix will tell you they're…well, different.  We renamed him Simon because Snickers just didn't work for me.  It sounded too much like Tigger and just saying it made me well up with tears and I just can't go there... still.

You can see for yourself he's grown since his original blog photo:

He thinks he's a pillow

Anyway, back to my wittle kitty.  First, he's not so little anymore. He is a typical kitty in most ways.  He eats.  He sleeps.  He plays.  He sleeps again.  But this cat has sleeping down to an art form.  I have never had a cat who can mold himself to any piece of furniture or person he is laying on and almost morph into it like a lizard taking on some kind of camouflage.

????

Where does the blanket end and the cat begin?

Ahhh, if only I could get that comfortable.  We have tried many times to allow him to sleep with us, but for some reason he insists on prancing around with his dagger paws on our organs while we sleep, therefore he has been banished from the bedroom.  He is finally settling down to the routine of most cats and sleeping 22 of the 24 hours in the day.  The other two hours are spent snorting down kibble or hunting the other cats so that he can practice his predatory tactics.  Why it's necessary for him to wait for the other kitties to be doing their business in the litter boxes to play "sneak attack" is beyond me.  Evidence of this skirmish is the litter sprayed everywhere and the sound of the thundering chase. When we catch him in the act, we would love to say he is scolded, but the problem is he has a cuteness factor of "+10".  Where our other cats have had at least "+8", Simon has this gift of looking precious even when we catch him in the act of doing something that you know HE KNOWS is a NO NO.

For example, the other day I was bending over some files in my office and as I stood up I noticed him perched on the edge of the chair preparing to leap onto my back.  ONTO MY BACK. Yes, he was going to ambush ME.

This was the photo I took when I peeked up and saw him about to jump >>>

I was just sitting here, really….

You can see from his demon stare that nothing good was going to happen in the next 10 seconds.  But the cuteness factor required that I go over and scoop him up and squeeze and kiss him instead of scold him…He is a spoiled rotten baby.

He also doesn't get along well with one of our other cats, Pepper.  Not only does he provoke her at every opportunity, he tries to look innocent while doing so.  Before Simon came along, Pepper was the sassy kitty who walked around, tail in the air, determining who was worthy of her cuteness.  Now we are lucky if we see her.  In fact, if she makes an appearance, Simon will blatantly "cat block" her so that she can't get to me.  Of course he did it all while looking cute.

You shall not pass!

Poor Pepper.  All I can say is that his cuteness isn't wasted.  My iPhone has never had so many photos of felines before.  If I happen to scroll through to show someone my latest vacation photos, they realize quickly that I am certainly the "cat lady" from the quantity of Simon "selfies" contained in those albums.  Now that fall is approaching, I may as well start searching for my cat lady sweaters and crazy catalogs of whatever knickknacks you find in a hoarders home.  That's where I'm headed I suppose.  Hoarding cute cats.

Saved by Cuteness

Welcome to the Alphacat family....SNICKERS!!

Our newest addition

It's been a long month for me.  Grieving my Tigger has been awful.  Then two weeks later the vet calls and says come pick up his ashes.  (Big boo boo face)


I have to say the imprint of his paw is what sent me over the edge.  So I relentlessly hit the internet on all adoptable pet search engines and came up with...nothing.  Kittens don't really arrive in abundance until at least April. And in my grief-addled frenzy I even offered to foster any nursing mommy or pregnant cat.  Of course this raised my husband's eyebrows, but loving me the way he does he wisely told me to do "what I feel capable of..."  This is code for saying he knows I won't overwhelm the house with cats but REALLY wants me to do what makes me happy.  Which is just adopt one single cat.

Tigger now rests on my dresser

I may be the CAT LADY but he merely tolerates this as an endearing quirk.  (I use the word "endearing" knowing full well that in my current frame of mind, hoarding cats is just one adoption event away) 

But, the gods smiled down on my husband and I received a response to a local rescue that received my adoption request for the little booger you see at the top of this page.  His name was "Bloo"...for his amazing blue eyes.  He is 12 weeks old and comes from a family of Ragdoll mixes who were rescued from a cattery.  His mom died after giving birth because she was barely old enough to have a litter.  Not one to dwell on sad details, I am grateful he survived and is now in my possession. 

We went to pick him up in a Petco parking lot where his foster mom had him and his littermates.  He was buried in the bottom of the pile...shaking with anxiety and perhaps the cold.  We have been suffering week after week of record cold and snow here in the Mid-Atlantic states and I can't express more heartily my attitude of "Suck it Winter!!"

He had a long ride home and now the necessary sequester period has begun while the other cats nervously pace around knowing something underhanded is going on.  What's more frustrating...having to isolate this little poopsie or neglect the kitties on the other side of the door???  I'm literally torn.  Which is where my daughter comes in.   She has strict instructions to overcompensate with the existing cats, Toonsis and Pepper, so that they know they aren't losers just because they aren't tiny irresistible attention-hogs.

I've been rewarded with an amazingly affectionate kitten who wants to massage everything that has a pulse.  He was given the name "Snickers" because he's as sweet as chocolate, the color of blended caramel, and still has his nuts.  Temporarily.  (snicker snicker--ha ha works as mocking laughter too!)

So, there you have it.  I'm cured of depression by the arrival of a little fluffball.  I will always miss my dearest Tigger.  But I know somewhere up there he's looking down on us adoringly and thinking, "Hey!  Get out of my spot, you little pretender!!"

sleepy little angel