Cats and Aging

I've read plenty of articles that say that owning a pet can prolong your life.

And then I laugh.

If you are reading this, chances are pretty good either: 1) you are my mother, or 2) you own a pet.
And if you are a pet owner, (yes, that means you too Mom) then the idea that our pets make us live longer is almost laughable.  Let's examine the facts:

1) I am convinced my cat is trying to kill me.  Simon has found so many ways to be RIGHT in harm's way when I'm walking down a dark stairwell, bent over a hot oven, or exercising.  One would think after having his tail stepped on numerous times, or having his paws pinched in a door, or being squished because I can't plank with a cat under me, that he would know better.  He's stupid or he has a strategy.  I would like to think he's probably just stupid, but as many times as he has gotten away with the numerous bad things he does, I think he's pretty clever.  So that means he is trying to off me.  And that sucks.

2) When my cat is sick it takes years off my life.  Either I am freaking out because he's lost weight because he's a picky eater, he's fallen off the second story ledge AGAIN, or his stinky breath makes me imagine he has gum disease which will lead to serious illness and ultimately, death.  All of these scenarios are terrifying. Despite him being a pain in my ass, he's so cute.  And after losing three cats over the years, I'm not in any hurry to do so again.  It's expensive and it sucks.

3) If I am late it is usually my cat's fault.  I don't know how many times I've gotten ready to go somewhere and Simon will follow me to the door to say goodbye.  This leads to me mentally double-checking if he's been fed.  So I have to go back and feed him.  And am I the only one who pauses when leaving to count cats?  I need to take inventory to be sure no one of my three cats is locked outside on the porch or stuck in a closet.  So that can lead to me searching the house and unless they are all napping together, chances are this takes another 5 minutes off my ETA.  Perhaps I'm ready to go but have a cuddly kitty on my lap.  He cannot be disturbed!  I do hate to be late.  Being late makes me anxious.  Being anxious is bad for your health.

4)  My cat likes to destroy things or choke on them.  Everyone knows cats love puzzles = anything perched on a flat surface. When he breaks a "puzzle" I can't just leave without cleaning it up. Additionally, he seems to know exactly what time I'm leaving and does the "gag trick".  You just can't walk out when your pet is choking!! Once I catch him to investigate, I find a wad of towel paper in his mouth, or dental floss, my medicine, or whatever he can dig out of the trash.  I have to jam my fingers into his mouth and extract the funk leading him to bite me and draw blood.  Necessitating bandaids.  Or contemplating if I could do cat CPR.  Both of these make me anxious.  See conclusion in item #3 above.

5)  Every time I take a nap he wakes me up.  This may not seem like a big deal, but as any woman who has any fatigue can tell you, momma takes naps very seriously.  When I'm down, he decides once I've just entered REM sleep that's the ideal time to leap directly onto my solar plexus and dig at me with his paw knuckles.  This is a startling experience.  Not healthy.

I'm sure the articles I've read suggesting my pet is prolonging my life are referring to elderly sedate animals.  Not my cute monster who has been a kitten for three years.  But if I pause to consider my life without my hilarious, ungrateful, adorable, stinky little heartbreaker, I just can't imagine it. I'm trading a little of my time for his.  And that's okay with me.