Paws like Daggers

Do you let your cat(s) sleep in your bed?  If you do, then you have been the inevitable victim of "Dagger Paw Syndrome."  This is the result of having a cat that can weigh as little as five pounds, but in the middle of the night decide to walk across your chest and stand on your lungs and it seems like all of their weight is concentrated directly in their paws giving the sensation of tiny daggers stabbing you awake.  You don't have to have a cat with claws to experience the sensation of DPS either.  Two of our cats are declawed but they have just as much strength in their dagger paws as any cat when they take their midnight stroll across my stomach, thigh, or face.  It doesn't seem to bother them that the "ground" beneath them is breathing or moving.  Even better, if it's morning and they notice you aren't awake yet, DPS is a great way to arouse you from your slumber and it can be used to gently choke you or crush your larynx if you haven't responded to the subtle chewing that some cats employ on the fleshy inner arm area of their owners.  What?  Your cats don't try to consume your skin while you sleep?  Maybe it's just my cats that seem like they are plotting to kill me if I don't wake up when their breakfast alarms are going off, but they definitely don't respect Daylight Savings Time, weekends, hangovers, the flu, holidays, or snow days.  If their stomachs say it's chow time, I'd better wake up NOW or else there's going to be a huge cat standing on my chest blowing his Fancy Feast breath into my nostrils like a fierce dragon.

Over the years we have been able to employ methods to deter or distract our cats from the battle of DPS.  A silent squirt bottle on the nightstand angled directly at the bed sometimes does the trick.  If I make the sound of the squirt bottle and point my finger, sometimes I get the same reaction as if I had the actual bottle in my hand--but I think they are getting wise to this...We have closed our bedroom door at night to lock out the little poopsies and let them fend for themselves until morning.  But then we have to deal with Tigger who throws his entire body against the door at 05:30 without fail...it's almost easier to let him stay with us and pray he doesn't smother us while we sleep.

I actually enjoy having the cats with us until dawn, unless I need to get up and use the bathroom and they mistakenly believe this means it's morning and it's TIME TO GO HAVE BREAKFAST!! YAY! Again, I have to deploy measures to scatter the cats unless they take a hint with a quick "shush!" or if I just pretend I'm sleepwalking...

I guess I'm just going to have to accept DPS is a result of cat ownership and even though there should be some warning label on all kittens of this side effect as they grow, would we believe it when they were that small unless it happened to us?  And, really, would it make a difference?