Please excuse me, I have a HAIRBALL!!

PUSS IN BOOTS

One of my favorite animated movies is Shrek II.  How much time do you think the animators spent studying cats and videotaping and rewinding a cat hacking up a hairball?  I laughed so hard that when the supporting character "Puss in Boots," personified by the animators as this intimidating and swashbuckling assassin was overcome with the hacking and wretching caused by a hairball gagged up at the feet of this poor humiliated kitty that other people in the audience must have thought I was nuts.  Most cat owners will understand, however, that the vomiting of "hairballs" in cats is one of the alarming mysteries of cat ownership. Although it may be comedic at times, it is something that will cause you panic as well as misery depending on the cause.

It is this disgusting and uncharacteristic behavior (well, perhaps it is not THAT different from other repulsive things my kitties do) that I wish to vent about today.   First, I think it's remarkable how a cat can strut around confidently on a thin railing about 1/4" in width when the cat itself is the girth of Jabba the Hut, but then a wave of gastrointestinal reflux will reduce this graceful animal into the most clutsy and unbecoming creature you will behold for at least 10 seconds.  This cat will not only STOP behaving like the adorable and elegant creature you admire, it will transform into a coughing and wheezing creature projecting its lungs onto the nearest carpet/couch/sweater/blanket. And that's my SECOND point, let's make no mistake, if there is any bare floor or linoleum around, this cat will still run and find the nearest soft and padded surface on which to share the contents of its esophagus with you.  And once the spasms of the poor critter have passed and the cat backs away from it like a crime scene, you will be left to helplessly ponder what just occurred...?? Is this a sick cat?  Is he shedding? Did he get into a plant?  Your knitting?  Some spoiled food?  Should you call the vet?  Your carpet cleaner?  A priest??  At the same time I am reaching for the enzymatic cleansers and paper towels, I am inspecting the contents of the goo to determine what I am cleaning up.  Forgive the detail, but sometimes it's less of a sticky mass, and more of a foam...a bit of mucus, a bit of whipped Friskies Buffet.  I am always relieved when it's mostly fur.  But as I have an older kitty, I am always on the alert for things that are the "wrong color", or "too wet"...I have pored over articles suggesting my cat might have some kind of ulcer, colitis, reflux, A TUMOR??...I'm sure he is just trying to annoy me at this point because I've spent hundreds of dollars testing him for all of these things and he is JUST FINE.  He will go to the vet and perform like a champ.  He will be probed and poked, the vet says he is TOO FAT if anything, reduce his intake and make sure he has enough water.  The reward I get for all of my tender loving care is...MORE PUKE.  On the carpet.  At this point I think he is just trying to get even with me for all the vet trips.

I also notice that my cat prefers to do his regurgitating at around 2-4am.  Right outside my bedroom door.  Or on the steps.  So when I wake up all alarmed and concerned, (which is inevitable, he is hardly discreet about his moist heaving and splattering on the carpet) it is such a JOY to find it by stepping in it with my bare feet.  Have I mentioned yet how much I love my cat?  I'm sure I have.  I realize he may be doing this ON PURPOSE to get my attention because now that I'm awake and cleaning my foot off, he's prancing around thinking I'm going to feed him breakfast, because, after all, his stomach is empty...Is it possible for cats to be this manipulative?  Maybe he needs a kitty shrink?  Maybe I DO! 

So, what to do?  I purchased a special vacuum that cleans up the worst messes and the cats run for the hills when I pull it out for the heavy duty jobs.  It is LOUD.  And they can all blame Tigger for the disturbance.  So while they are loathing him for the interruptions in their nap schedule, secretly I believe he is still plotting his next offensive and any virgin carpet he can soil.  I can almost imagine him rubbing his paws together and chuckling like Puss in Boots.  But who could resist that kitty when he turned on those adorable big eyes in the end?