Please excuse me, I have a HAIRBALL!!

PUSS IN BOOTS

One of my favorite animated movies is Shrek II.  How much time do you think the animators spent studying cats and videotaping and rewinding a cat hacking up a hairball?  I laughed so hard that when the supporting character "Puss in Boots," personified by the animators as this intimidating and swashbuckling assassin was overcome with the hacking and wretching caused by a hairball gagged up at the feet of this poor humiliated kitty that other people in the audience must have thought I was nuts.  Most cat owners will understand, however, that the vomiting of "hairballs" in cats is one of the alarming mysteries of cat ownership. Although it may be comedic at times, it is something that will cause you panic as well as misery depending on the cause.

It is this disgusting and uncharacteristic behavior (well, perhaps it is not THAT different from other repulsive things my kitties do) that I wish to vent about today.   First, I think it's remarkable how a cat can strut around confidently on a thin railing about 1/4" in width when the cat itself is the girth of Jabba the Hut, but then a wave of gastrointestinal reflux will reduce this graceful animal into the most clutsy and unbecoming creature you will behold for at least 10 seconds.  This cat will not only STOP behaving like the adorable and elegant creature you admire, it will transform into a coughing and wheezing creature projecting its lungs onto the nearest carpet/couch/sweater/blanket. And that's my SECOND point, let's make no mistake, if there is any bare floor or linoleum around, this cat will still run and find the nearest soft and padded surface on which to share the contents of its esophagus with you.  And once the spasms of the poor critter have passed and the cat backs away from it like a crime scene, you will be left to helplessly ponder what just occurred...?? Is this a sick cat?  Is he shedding? Did he get into a plant?  Your knitting?  Some spoiled food?  Should you call the vet?  Your carpet cleaner?  A priest??  At the same time I am reaching for the enzymatic cleansers and paper towels, I am inspecting the contents of the goo to determine what I am cleaning up.  Forgive the detail, but sometimes it's less of a sticky mass, and more of a foam...a bit of mucus, a bit of whipped Friskies Buffet.  I am always relieved when it's mostly fur.  But as I have an older kitty, I am always on the alert for things that are the "wrong color", or "too wet"...I have pored over articles suggesting my cat might have some kind of ulcer, colitis, reflux, A TUMOR??...I'm sure he is just trying to annoy me at this point because I've spent hundreds of dollars testing him for all of these things and he is JUST FINE.  He will go to the vet and perform like a champ.  He will be probed and poked, the vet says he is TOO FAT if anything, reduce his intake and make sure he has enough water.  The reward I get for all of my tender loving care is...MORE PUKE.  On the carpet.  At this point I think he is just trying to get even with me for all the vet trips.

I also notice that my cat prefers to do his regurgitating at around 2-4am.  Right outside my bedroom door.  Or on the steps.  So when I wake up all alarmed and concerned, (which is inevitable, he is hardly discreet about his moist heaving and splattering on the carpet) it is such a JOY to find it by stepping in it with my bare feet.  Have I mentioned yet how much I love my cat?  I'm sure I have.  I realize he may be doing this ON PURPOSE to get my attention because now that I'm awake and cleaning my foot off, he's prancing around thinking I'm going to feed him breakfast, because, after all, his stomach is empty...Is it possible for cats to be this manipulative?  Maybe he needs a kitty shrink?  Maybe I DO! 

So, what to do?  I purchased a special vacuum that cleans up the worst messes and the cats run for the hills when I pull it out for the heavy duty jobs.  It is LOUD.  And they can all blame Tigger for the disturbance.  So while they are loathing him for the interruptions in their nap schedule, secretly I believe he is still plotting his next offensive and any virgin carpet he can soil.  I can almost imagine him rubbing his paws together and chuckling like Puss in Boots.  But who could resist that kitty when he turned on those adorable big eyes in the end?

Kitty Tranquilizer

The Classic Curl

Blocking out the Light

??!!??

I Like to Imitate My Human

The Back Swirl-Curl

We've all been there.  Bad day, long day, and now you're laying in bed and you're counting sheep and just can't get your peepers to shut long enough to do any good.  You cannot fall asleep.  And the longer you lay there thinking about falling asleep, the harder it is to actually relax and get the job done.  Then you start looking at the clock to see how much time you have left before you need to wake up which makes falling asleep even more stressful.  If you are lucky, you won't need to rely on any high-tech sound machines or aromatherapy.  You can simply call on the Kitty Tranquilizer.


A Kitty Tranquilizer isn't a medicine you give to your cat.  It's a gift your cat gives to you.  It's the ability cats have with their multiple sleeping postures they adopt when they lay beside you or near you or ON you that when you watch them sleep, it's impossible for you to not feel at least a teensy bit more tired and absolutely amazed at how cute and flexible they are.  If you're lucky, you may be rewarded before they drift off with a kitty massage--the kneading and pawing at you that accompanies a cat on the verge of a terrific nap.  A kitty can also sedate you with a hypnotic staring contest if you can engage him.  Just find a contented cat and start the gazing and as long as you aren't too intimidating, kitty will stare back and eventually the eyes will start a slow blink and you will notice yourself slow-blinking back.  It's very calming.

A cat purr also has the power to reduce your blood pressure.   This soothing vibration is a mysterious vocalization uniquely able to acknowledge your love and presence and reassure your friendship and bond which ultimately can lull even the most anxious pet owner into submissive slumber.

So if you haven't been sedated yet by a slow blinking, kneading, purring kitty, what else can you do?  If you insist on being awake, take your friend for a little playtime and see if you can wear her out with laser tag or a feather toy.  Once you've seen your cat jump straight up or chase something around long enough, it can take your mind off your own concerns and perhaps you won't be so stressed you can't sleep.

I know there are people out there who suffer from incredible insomnia, and no amount of sweet anesthetizing kittens can do a thing about it.  Perhaps one of the methods above will help, and by spending a little time meditating with your kitty you will slow your breathing down and your blood pressure and realize what many health experts agree on:  pets are GOOD for you and will improve your quality of life.  And hopefully even your quality of sleep.  Now come here Zen Kitty, it's time for my nap.  ZZZZZZZzzzzz

The Head-BUTT

Cat owners know that the way cats "kiss" is by the notorious head butt.   You will see it on TV, greeting cards, and many YouTube videos. They greet other kitties, family pets, and even strangers with this gesture if they are comfortable enough and wish to let you know they are pleased with you and feel happy in your presence.  There is no mistaking the body language here: genuine affection and acceptance.  They may also use the head butt to get your attention at times as a method of needy begging if the traditional meowing and pawing at you hasn't charmed you enough. Tigger is the head banger champion in our home and if I'm watching TV or doing something and he wants me to drop everything, literally, he will climb all over me and use his head butt with such force that he has knocked drinks out of my hand, phones off my shoulder, and even given himself a mild concussion.  He LOVES me.  So when I see the precious cat commercials where the owner leans in for that sweet cat kiss, I giggle and know that Tigger never learned appropriate head butt etiquette.

It's especially obnoxious at night when he wants to wake me up.  After he's used his best efforts to walk on me with his dagger paws, he will use the fierce head butt combined with his noisy wheezing purr which sounds like a pigeon with a sinus cold.  It never stops.  Between the noise and the physical assault I can't sleep, so we leave him to head butt the furniture or the other cats during the night.   In order to compensate for being deprived of midnight kisses I am met in the morning with a head butt combo with lots of drooling and scratchy tongue licks.

Our other two cats, Toonsis and Pepper, have interesting head butts, because they both angle their faces and combine the head butt with a sideways face wipe/toothy kiss.  They will open their "lips" enough for us to see their snaggle-teeth and gently drag them along so we are suitably marked after we are gently rubbed by a soft furry head.  I prefer the head butt of the girl kitties over Tigger's forceful vigorous kisses, but sometimes these ladies can add a little chewing action and make me wonder whether this is actually affection they are displaying, or something more aggressive.  Everywhere I go there are face wipes and head butts.  I look down and there will inevitably be a cat following me and wiping its face along the molding or the chair leg and looking at me affectionately as if to say, "yeah, this is MY chair leg, this is MY table, this is MY bag of groceries..."

I know that cats possess numerous glands on their bodies which they use to secrete pheromones which are left behind with their many different postures and will mark us and other animals or objects to show their level of possession or dominance.  So one of these glands exist on their foreheads, but I'd like to pretend they just do it because they love me.  I think it's kind of cute that my cats compete over who loves me the most when they try to out-stink each other with all the head butting and mouth wiping on me.  I belong to these cats for sure.  And the head butt is the greatest because I can look at my cat in the eye and he can look at mine just like with another person, before we lean in and touch foreheads.  It's as intimate as a person kiss.  It's a pretty highly evolved way to express affection if you ask me.  So after I finish writing this, I'm going to go find a cat and give it a kiss.  And if I'm lucky the kitty will respond with a slow blink and a head butt in return.

Litter Box Bafflement

Pet Mate Hooded Litter Pan

Booda Dome Clean Step Litter Box

Clever Cat Top Entry Litter Box

Does this kitty look happy?

Homemade Storage Container Litter Box

 How much money do you think you need to invest in a cat toilet?  If you see a litter box on the market that claims to be "self-cleaning" ask yourself how does the  litter get to the trash can?  How much litter can be swept into a bin attached to it before your cat notices it still stinks and decides it wants to pee in the foyer?  Don't be seduced into buying a fancy litter box when you can make your own for $20 less by purchasing a storage container (like a Rubber Maid or Heavy Duty Sterilite) and cutting out a U-shaped door big enough for your cat to step over. You will be amazed at how simple it is to clean and maintain.  Cleaning a storage container is as just a matter of pouring the old litter out and (preferably washing the container out too with mild soap and water) and replacing with fresh litter.  The easier it is for you to clean your cat's box, the greater the chances you will succeed in happy toileting and a friendlier environment for all.  This is no substitute for frequent scooping, and an open container with high sides is much easier to keep fresh than a bubble-dome box where you need a flashlight to determine where the poop is.  I have also noticed the two-piece hooded pans will often leak if you have a cat that likes to stand and pee like my alpha cat, Tigger.  A single high-sided box eliminates this problem.  The Clever Cat Top Entry Litter Box (pictured) closely reflects the storage container concept, but older cats shouldn't be required to hop over a high side to climb into a box, and I think the cats prefer to see what's around them. Just remove the top and use the bottom and fill with litter.  Younger cats like this box just fine.  I have one of these without a door and my kitten thinks it's the bomb.  If you do go with a covered litter box, the advantage to an enclosed system is the reduction of dust and smell if you are faithful at removing dirty litter.  I still recommend a simple box with a lid that snaps on and with deep sides like the pictured Pet Mate Hooded pan.  Anything with gears and sensors just sounds too complicated to stay clean and if it's like the public toilets that flush "automatically"--we've all been there and I can tell you, they don't always work.  Someone has to clean that mess up eventually.

Placement of the box is also key.  All cats want a quiet place to do their business, just like humans, and definitely not high traffic areas where they may be startled or stalked while in the throes of squatting. Unfortunately, my cats have to compete with a furnace that sometimes comes on suddenly and even the laundry which can click on and off as it cycles.  Ideally, having multiple boxes throughout your home will allow your cat to choose the most peaceful place to go and avoid a stressful experience which can lead to accidents.  But I have five boxes and three cats.  Unless I am going to put litter boxes in the bedrooms, I had to resort to a laundry room box and the storage room. Your cat will become accustomed to certain house noises, but should never have to worry about constant interruption or an audience.

One more thing I have heard about, but never tried, is the actual TOILET TRAINED cat.  I have seen many sites that sell products that can train your cat to sit on a real commode and go.  This fascinates me, but I don't know if I have the patience to go there. If you have a trained potty cat, I would love for you to tell me how this is working out for you and how long it took for you to accomplish.  I just love the YouTube videos of a cat using a toilet.  What I want to know is what happens after and kitty doesn't need to scratch or cover up?  I'm just so curious about this... It's amazing.

So there are my little ideas on litter boxes and what works for me.  If you have any suggestions or comments, let me know!

The Face of Evil

PEPPER AT 4 WEEKS

PEPPER PRESENT DAY

You know it's a trap, don't you?  All those adorable purring kittens you see in the photos on the internet and in Hallmark cards.  Even when you go to the shelter volunteers go to great lengths to keep their cages clean and poop-free so you have no idea how much waste can be created by something so tiny and innocent-looking.  The photo above is our most recent rescue, Pepper.  We fostered her this past summer after a group of others had just gone back.  She was a singleton--no siblings.  Her sister had died the night before due to some kind of genetic defect and they didn't know whether Pepper would make it very long.  They told me not to hold out any hope or get too attached.  The first night I brought her home I just held her in a blanket for hours and watched her sleep.  She was no larger than a hamster.  I fell in love. The trap was sprung.

But just prior to Pepper we'd had fostered four other kitties and I'd never known how much work it was to care for so many little babies at once.  They were 4 weeks when we took them and 8 weeks when they went back to the shelter for adoption.  It was so difficult to say goodbye, but I'm happy to say they were all adopted.  The trick, however, is that no matter how tiny they are--the quantity of substances they produce is remarkable and even more amazing is how much square footage you need to devote to isolating the sheer stench of these little rascals.

They look so sweet and engaging when you see them, making such tiny mewing sounds that you can't imagine going home without one.  And then you're alone with it.  On the first visit to the litterbox you are in shock by what happens there and almost inevitably your kitten will step in what just happened and then run away because it just lost half its body weight, therefore smearing this offense all over the carpet and furniture while prancing wildly about with deranged eyes.  If you were smart enough to adopt TWO cats, they will be so frisky and delightful when they fight for the box and use it together and occasionally they will completely miss.  Kittens have immature digestive systems until they are around 6 months so you may be fortunate enough to the quiet but deadly kitten fart and there is nothing quite so pungent that makes you want to fling Baby Boots off your chest than when this happens so you can check for skid marks.

I haven't mentioned the cost or hassles of veterinary care, especially in the beginning when you need to have parasite and worming exams and treatments as well as rabies and other various vaccines.   These trips will be so exciting when you pluck Fifi out of her crate and her sweet little sabers for toenails dig into your forearms and bits of skin.  If you are smart you will invest in something called "Soft Paws" which we use at the shelter and they are little claw caps which you can get in colors too, they glue right over kitty's claws and last up to 4-6 weeks and save you from these DNA scrapings and ruined furniture.  Not to mention it looks really cute.

Soft Paws

Still interested in having a cat?  Well you SHOULD be...Did you think I was trying to talk you out of it?  Sorry, didn't mean to come off that way. I need to be realistic, however.  They aren't cheap and I have lots of friends who mistakenly believe that cats are maintenance-free.  I think the distinction we need to establish is that cats are INDEPENDENT but not easy.  They want your attention constantly.  They are so very social that once you have one you won't understand how anyone could have ever accused them of being unfriendly.  If they are, there is probably a good HUMAN reason for it.  Someone in their past antagonized them or gave them a reason to be mistrustful.  They do expect us to treat them royally after their evolution for 4,000 years of partnering with humans to do some of our dirty work hunting and cleaning up our rodent and pest population and making the Egyptian tombs way more fascinating.  Aside from the Middle Ages when cats were associated with witchcraft and evil, for the most part, cats have enjoyed a benign existence with us, so when I call my kitten the "face of evil" I am being entirely facetious. 

The trap is that all baby animals look that way so that we will forget the responsibility of ownership, and the bottom line is that once you've spent at least a couple weeks with your adopted cutie-pie, it will have worked its furry magic into your heart with its purring and kneading and you might even be able to forgive the stink because of the photos you start to share on Facebook and videos on YouTube with other crazy cat people.  So don't feel too bad about falling for the trap, we all relate.  Now please go get your camera and take a picture of your little foofoo.

PS.  If you click below you will see our "knock off" video of Pepper imitating the kitten tickle.  I think all kittens do this.  Never gets old.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE KITTEN TICKLE

A Little Privacy, PLEASE!

Not my cat, but what the???!!!

Does any mother out there remember what it's like to use the bathroom without spectators?  Once you've given birth you need to be available at a moment's notice when your baby cries and people often leave you alone in the house to fend for yourself (gasp!) So I had an open door policy until my kids were...I don't know.  Let's just say I have a bad habit of not always shutting the door behind me when I go in when I'm alone in the house.  Why should I?  The cats seem to think this is some kind of bonding experience we need to share, however, and are infiltrating my bathroom space with needy cries for attention and distracting leg rubs (which I call "potty hugs") and this is so unnecessary!  If I have the NERVE to close the door to the toilet, quite often every single one of my three cats is poised at the other side of the door plotting on how to: 1) open the dang thing, or 2) create a disturbance provoking crying and thumping which will allow them to sliver through the hairline crack I use to peek out and make sure no one is getting mauled.  Don't you agree that this is manipulative and rude?  Don't I deserve my alone time?  If I'm in a bathroom that has enough room at the bottom of the door, a stealthy paw will come slithering back and forth seeking a toe hold of some kind.  If it's dark at night it can be downright frightening.  I should have named each cat after a famous explorer or celebrated cave spelunker.  They have no boundaries.

So in this social forum we established in the house, I have surrendered my dignity on many occasions just to keep the peace and allow the little felines full access to my throne room.  And once they have this full access pass, what do you think they do with it?  They throw themselves at my feet with looks of such dramatic adoration and ceaseless agitation (hurry up!  I need to be fed again!  Aren't I adorable?)  I definitely think this performance is quite amusing because once they hear the flush they go running like it never happened and I am left with my shame to bear alone.  ha ha

This is what I have to climb OVER before I get there

Do all cats do this?  I have friends whose cats are constantly barging in on "private" moments whenever they perceive human inattention.  But I'm just curious if these potty provocateurs are exceptions.  These are little toilet monsters and it's my fault, sure.  Perhaps they are paying me back for constantly observing their litter habits--after all, there are no doors to their toilets either. I don't need a coach or moral support so why am I allowing this behavior?  Habit.  Pure and simple.  Will I change?  Don't know.  But I do get a little satisfaction from knowing I'm never lonely even at the expense of my self-respect and propriety.  Now if I could only train them to change the roll of toilet paper....

Why Cat Parks Aren't Successful...

Can't we all just get along?

Let's face it.  Dog's probably ARE man's best friend.  Cats, at best, can be exclusive with one human at a time, but you are going to have to face it that it's only because they don't have opposable thumbs and can't drive a car.  They will use us mercilessly and make us believe in their tireless devotion, and one day you will turn around and see Fluffy pooping in your sink and all of your "pie in the sky" ideals about her intelligence and dedication to your training will go right out the window as you reach for the Clorox.  I'm not suggesting cats can't LOVE their owners, but let's not ever make the mistake of calling ourselves masters of our cats.  If you do, please refer to my blog on DPS (Dagger Paw Syndrome) and remember they have the means to take us out in our sleep with a well-executed pose on our chest while we exhale.

I don't have a dog, but love the idea of a Cat Park and wish we had the option to take our three cats there, if nothing else but for me to have pictures of them OUTSIDE instead of indoors which is where we agreed to hide them forever when we signed contracts at the shelters where we "rescued" them.  (oh, don't get me started on the whole indoor/outdoor cat thing today)  When you go to a dog park, you see these frisky canines just joyously interacting and sniffing, and greeting each other in the most curious manner...So grateful that humans have evolved and we settle for handshakes, aren't you?  But having a cat park would be a travesty for lots of reasons.  First, just getting them there might require sedatives for my cats--would we use crates or leashes...or both?  And once we arrived, we would have to peel them out of the crates to release them into the park.  This is also an interesting dilemma, because now they look up and see...NO CEILING...GOOD GOD!  So they squat down as flat as they can without dissolving into the earth, and crouch-run as if their legs don't extend beyond two inches above the ground.  This odd shuffle will quickly return them to their car of origin, or into the closest cat hater nearby.  Perhaps they will rediscover their claws and climb up a tree and you can make that 911 call you've always wanted to make to the fictitious fireman who wants to climb up a tree to rescue your cat?  Then your ambition to see them play with other cats and socialize would quickly be derailed by their absolute inability to be nice to a new cat unless they've been properly introduced which involves days of appropriate space separation (walls, fences, and exchanging smelly bedding) and a courtship of approximately three to four months.  Perhaps after the approved timeframe they will exchange cards and agree that it's not going to work out but will agree to share the house and when they see each other greet each other with a cordial hiss and tail poofing. I think the only "cat park" I will ever see will be the ones we see at the zoo, and those ones just make me sad.


So, you see why cat parks are uncommon.  We need to settle for the cats that prowl industriously around the neighborhoods and into our yards or fences to yowl at the moon and try not to run for the hose. They may not get the exalted "Man's Best Friend" title, but when you try to force friendships on a cat, that's just not a very friendly thing to do, is it?