Kamakazi Cats

I am not a cat behaviorist.  But I can tell you a lot about cat behavior.  Bad behavior that is!  And I have two very innocent-looking cats that are pretending not to notice when one very stupid kitten is coming precariously close to using one of her nine lives each day by walking along a very high railing in our home each day and attacking...wait for it...THE SUN!  Yes, our little Pepper thinks she is SUPERFLY and that she has cosmic powers and will use her amazing death claws to capture sunlight in her paws while she balances herself on her two back legs (these are starting to resemble ham hocks) on a second story rail in our dramatic foyer.   I cringe every day when I look up and see her shadow moving along in what she considers stealth, and I consider upcoming tragedy.  I think the other cats are silently giggling because when I approach her to put her down, they are always nearby sitting innocently on the floor, safely egging her on with tiny chirps of encouragement.  "Sure, Pepper!  That light sure is moving quickly along the wall!! Don't let it get away from you!!"  And when I pick her up and look at them with reproach, there is no shame on their elder faces.  They are innocent bystanders pretending to lick their privates as any natural witness to a crime would do.  What's a Mama Cat to do??

Take a gander at this home video shot this morning....Pepper on a Railing

Is she not the stupidest cat?  Maybe I should just throw her down and get it over with!?  Let me tell you why this is such a disturbing activity.  Do you see the bad cat at the foot of the stairs?  Tigger?  The CROSS-EYED cat?  He didn't always have cross-eyes!  (just kidding--he did)  Actually, Tigger was about the same age when he discovered the power of leaping onto the surface of the very same railing and with overconfidence leaped OVER the railing and landed DIRECTLY onto the wood foyer below.  What a thump that made!  And when he landed, it was a thump that could be heard round the block.  He looked so shocked that I think he wasn't sure he survived the fall.  He did land on his paws, although I'm sure they stung quite a bit because after about a five-second delay, he looked at me and I looked at him and he disappeared like a cartoon with legs flailing in all directions, not quite sure what direction they were supposed to move in.  I don't think we saw him for hours after that and he didn't jump onto counters or anything higher than a coffee table after that incident.  The boom that it made after he crash-landed like that was so loud, I actually remember looking to see if there was a crater in my foyer.  Poor kitty.

I know the science is that cats always "land on their feet" blah blah blah.  But I know you have laughed at as many cat videos as I have when they misread their distance or get startled or a baby approaches and things just don't go right.  Cats are fallible.  And it's hilarious when they fall and then try to walk away as if they meant to land on their faces like that.  Especially when it's in a fish tank.  That's my personal favorite.  But when it comes to my little poopsies personal safety and the threat of a ridiculous and unnecessary veterinary trip...I say forget it.  No fall is that funny.

But Pepper is reckless and innocent and remarkably stupid.  So I'm taking wagers today on how soon Toonsis and Tigger will have their way with Pepper and get her to fall off the rail, and I'm not going to baby-proof the house with a trampoline in the foyer, but let's just see how this ends.  Maybe I should have a kitty-cam attached to Pepper's head so that we can all see how it looks when she takes her first flight?  She's dumb enough as it is so I'm praying she doesn't get further brain damage.  I don't want to add any more videos to this particular genre but I will add some of my favorites of OTHER CATS.  Now, if you will excuse me I have some pillows to throw down on the floor.

My favorite cat falling videos for your viewing pleasure:
Cat Falling in Fish Tank
Cat Falling Over Baby Gate
Kitten Pushes Another Kitten Down Ladder

Kitty Withdrawal

At this very moment I am enjoying Spring Break at the beach which means I've ventured many hours away from my home along with countless families across the nation who all converge on the same plot of land and demand access to the same over-chlorinated pool.  Naturally, we all share some common goals:  radiate ourselves in the sun, do some expert people watching, and avoid parental liability when our children have junk food freak-outs in public.  (i.e. "Timmy? Please calm down while we go find your mother....")  Ah, the calming sounds of the ocean with the seagulls dive bombing the family next blanket over as their kids throw them bits of Cheetos and then run for cover.  This is relaxation.  The best part of the trip for me was the eight-hour drive, and that was mostly just the bumper-to-bumper arrival for the last ten miles.  We only live thirty miles away.  Ha ha.  I joke.  We live further than that, but I did have to split the trip into two days which meant we spent the night in a hotel at the halfway point.  We were delighted to find a clean room with no bed-bugs.  Sadly, there was a family of pacing pachyderms above us and for the life of me, I'm not sure what the fuss was about, or why they chose to stay at a hotel if all they wanted to do was practice their tap dancing all night.  Alas, when we finally got to our destination, I was poised to chill out and catch up on some Zzz's and be a professional slacker.

But I can't believe after all the fussing I do on a regular basis about all the hairballs, litter issues, paws where they shouldn't be, etc...I actually miss my kitties!  Not the work of caring for them.  Just their companionship and their little furry warm bodies when I'm trying to get comfortable in an unfamiliar bed.  And when I'm drinking my coffee in the morning and watching the sunrise I can't help but wonder if my cats would enjoy a nice stretch on this warm balcony too and listen to the ocean?  I see lots of people walking their dogs on the beach and, of course you can't take a cat for a walk (I've seen videos and that's an entirely different blog), but you don't see cats wandering around on the beach often in America.  Years ago I went to Europe and in Spain there were plenty of feral cats on the beach.  I saw them in the Bahamas too.  These were very resourceful cats that were pretty wary of humans, but would make the best of whatever scraps we inevitably leave behind in our vacation-mode.  I shudder to think how my domestic babies would function when left to their own devices in a strange place.  They know how to beg, but goodness knows they would see an approaching car and roll onto their backs to offer their bellies because they are that stupid and trusting. 

Which brings me back to longing to rub their little fuzzy bodies and give a good head scratch.  And if I wander over to my daughter and do this right now she will slap my hand away and look at me like the demented soul I am.  And head-butting a human is definitely not a good idea.  So despite the wonder of a blissful vacation, I will enjoy returning home in a few days to greet the Easter Bunny and my fat kitties.  They look a little bit like Peeps in the window when I get there, all lined up like little fat marshmallows.  I just hope they don't get into any of those Easter goodies I've hidden around the house while I'm away.  A trip to the vet is not the welcome home that I appreciate.  But I know my husband is doing his best to keep up with the five litter boxes, three food dishes and water bowls, separate feeding times, carpet accidents, and keeping them all apart at bedtime.  My poor honey, being an accountant makes him the sucker that stays behind for the cats every April while I get to live it up and ponder kitty withdrawal.  It's just not right, is it?  But he gets to do his kitty bonding now and I'm sure there's a small part of him that is grateful for the company while his family is away.  They are great little buddies--high maintenance, yes.  But I wouldn't trade them for all the Spring Breaks in the world.

You Are Getting Very Sleepy....Sleepy...Sleepy

Have you ever tried to stare down a cat?  Try it.  I bet you can't.  We have a champion at staring contests in our house.  I know, I know, ALL CATS can stare.  But Toonsis is THE BEST at making you feel defeated in a staring contest.  Most cats don't particularly care to stare with you for too long.  They will soon get bored with your human face and wander off, or fall asleep.  But Toonsis can keep her owlish eyes locked for such a long time, I have to wonder what in the world she is thinking about.  Maybe I'm the only cat person who plays this childish game with her cats (I doubt it) but I have to do it because I just can't resist a challenge and she is constantly trying to get my attention and so we play this game often.

TOONSIS - THE HYPNOTIST

The other day I was reading the newspaper and she sat on the precise paragraph I was reading, which was particularly rude considering she had been fed and had already performed her routine of begging to come in and out of the house multiple times for the morning.  I wasn't sure what she wanted, so I looked at her and noticed she had this look on her face...I know cats don't really change their expressions too much, and it's not like she had any sinister motives, but she seemed like she had issued that dare to stare...so we engaged.  30 Seconds later and my eyes began to sting a little but she kept looking at me.  45 seconds and I could hear the other cats approaching--now we had an audience.  It got kinda creepy after that and I felt a little intimidated for some reason.  Was that a sinister look on her face??   How dare she!! What would she have to gain out of it anyway?  It's not like I'm under any spell.  So I just gave her a treat and walked away.  Trance, Schmance.

But I don't feel so bad because my older daughter is capable of hypnotizing Toonsis into kitten submission.  What I mean by "kitten submission" is that Toonsis recognizes my daughter as her Mama Cat.  My daughter can softly speak to Toonsis and lay her down on the ground and the next thing you know, Toonsis (who seriously doesn't like to have her tummy rubbed) will have her paws up and lay still and quiet--it's eerie.  We have the video.Click to See Toonsis Being Hypnotized

My daughter is also able to do this with our other cats on the hard floor and the cats will allow her to drag them around and they go completely limp.  I don't particularly care for this because they are adult cats and it looks uncomfortable to me.  Not to mention, undignified, and they are grownups, after all.   But if you have a teenager, like cats, you turn around one minute and you'll wish you hadn't looked.   But trust me, it's far from torture. The cats are totally relaxed and look at me like, "What's the fuss?" Personally, I have my own method of hypnosis for my cats.  It's called rubbing behind the ears like a normal person, but call me crazy.


I found this one video on YouTube where this one cat has a FREAK OUT button or something, because the owner approaches humming the theme from jaws (now tell me that's not intimidating...) and this cat absolutely melts down practically foaming at the mouth.  I'm not sure if it likes this or what, you be the judge.  But when it is talking and licking furiously, it is definitely trying to say something....Please.  Stop.  Now.  Click Here to See YouTube CAT FREAK OUT

If a cat could hypnotize, would it use its powers for good?

Every cat has a magic button and I think it is our responsibility to discover it.  Once you find it--this weak spot, we can have the kitty under our spell.  It's only fair, after all.  Because for the most part my cats have me totally mesmerized most of the time.

The Wild Hair

You spooked me!!

Ready for action!

The Flying Squirrel

We have an expression in our home for our cats when they start galloping around the house like horses with their tails in the air and their eyes all wild and haunted as if they are being chased by demons.  We say they have a "burr up their butt" which isn't a very delicate expression, but obviously there is something wrong with these animals because they are wildly running amok as if something just bit them as they tear along the wood floors uselessly like cartoon characters trying to get traction.   There is usually just a few reasons for the panic:  1)  The cat has just left a 20% deposit of their body weight in the litter box and is trying to escape the odor before they could take the blame, 2) it is being chased by the hounds of hell, OR 3) it is practicing kitty parkour.  How else can you explain the cat in front of me who thinks she can hold up a door frame, staring at the ceiling with her ears back and wide eyes jumping up and down and then scurrying away making squirrel noises? Most often it's the 20% deposit, and the "burr" is no longer in the cat's butt, if you will.  Personally, if I lost that much weight every time I visited the bathroom I probably would run around with a little more zip in my step too.  When I go to clean up after these furry bums, I am quite impressed with their intestinal prowess. However, we all know that cats have very inflated egos so if they could see how uncool all this weird sprinting looked, they would calm down and stroll around and leave whatever crime scene they just created with much more dignity.  If you ask me, this act is the human equivalent of running around with a piece of toilet paper stuck to their shoe or their skirt tucked into their waistband.  That's embarrassing. We all know what's just happened.  Better to be proud and walk around with some pride after that achievement if you ask me.  It reminds me of that one guy in the office who walks around with the newspaper tucked under his arm and announces where he's going with no shame.  The worst part for me is that this cat is like a red flag galloping around my house alarming me that there is a ticking time bomb in my home.  I guess the only consolation is it's better than not knowing about it, right?  Whip out the Febreeze and try not to gag.

Occasionally, our younger cats will chase each other around the house and dart around playing tag and the noise they make ripping up the carpet and tearing up the stairs would make you think bowling balls have legs and they are coming after you.  They are wild freaks and every now and then one of those creeps will bang into a piece of furniture and things will calm down real fast.  I'm pretty sure the youngest has brain damage because she acts just a little more stupid than the others and has a dumb vacuous look in her eyes when she does her galloping.  I know it's game over when I hear the sound of a door jamb being sprung.  What annoys me the most is when the cats decide to use our bed as their proving grounds when we are enjoying our morning coffee and watching the news.  Or worse, when we sit at the kitchen table eating (anything) the cats will lose all sense of boundaries and this wild hair will compel them to leap onto any available surface and scatter newspapers and dishware recklessly in their quest for immediate energy release.  Our pathetic waving arms as they speed across rooms in breathless abandon have no impact on their ninja efforts to reject gravity or sprout wings.  I don't have any good video of this crazy action because as soon as it begins, it ends.  It's like a whirlwind of feline devastation, so keep your arms and hands to yourself.  But most of you cat lovers have witnessed this wonder yourselves and won't be strangers to this freakout.  I have included a link to a YouTube video of one of my favorite series of cat attacks, etc.  I am sure most of them originated with a wild hair.  It's not rabies, it's just cat frenzy and so fun to point and laugh, as long as you're not a victim of their bizarre aggression.  Hope you like it!

Crazy Cat Video


Click Here to see YouTube Crazy Cat VideoCrazy Cat Video

You've Been Gone FOREVER!!

I've read studies about animals that have a "sixth sense" about their owners approaching home, even when they aren't immediately visible or audible.  For instance, if a homeowner has been away for hours a dog or cat may wait impatiently at the window or on their familiar cushion but for no apparent reason, ears perk and this loyal animal will run to the door and expectantly sit with eager anticipation of their loved one making their entrance.  I am no stranger to this phenomena as my own three cats often come greet me at the door when I arrive home and since I know how lazy they are, and how distant their beddy-byes and sunspots are, they may have had to amble at least five or ten feet when I opened the door.  How is this possible?  I know that this can be explained in different ways.  Obviously, one may argue there is a habitual response in the behavior of the owner and the animal and the arrival times do not vary much and the pet is merely responding out of a pattern of learned behavior.  We could also assume that there is some kind of response from another person within the home that tips the pets off to the approaching owner.  Maybe they even have such a strong sense of smell that the owner's arrival is something we underestimate in terms of what we've already studied in the senses of dogs and cats.

Or MAYBE, our animals are extraterrestrials.  Haha.  I kid.  I wanted to make sure you were still reading.

What is most amazing is that one of my cats is holding my slippers, the other brings me a newspaper, and the third one is bringing me a drink.  This is outrageous and I think deserves special recognition.  Can anyone else brag about THEIR cat doing this??  All my dog-owner friends get barks and jumped on. Occasionally I will go to a friends house and the dog will come and sniff me in such a private and intimate way that I have to step back and say, "Excuse me!  Have we MET?!!"  Of course we may have, but this seems to have no reflection on the manners of the dog, or the owner, as I am being probed by a wet nose and I slap it away as gently and as politely as possible.  (I need to mention, I am being polite in only slapping a dog's face away from my crotch--but some people do get offended if you push the dog's nose away!  "Oh, they must smell your pet!"  Really?  That's not where I keep it...duh)  I think I may just need to purchase some armor in the future before I arrive at a dog-lover's home to avoid being violated.  Some dogs are much more well-behaved and will only bark at you until you acknowledge them and then they run away and scoff at you in private.

Dogs, I must say, are much more enthusiastic hosts than cats.  They are genuinely excited to see you arrive.  Most of the time you can tell because of all the noise and body language.  If you had to measure a cat's excitement at a guests arrival, I'm not sure you could find a scale that measured that low. I have one or two cats that do greet guests, but it's only to sniff their fingers or pants leg to see if they brought any fresh fish.  Most of the time they run away as if they heard the vacuum cleaner.



You know they don't REALLY bring me all these luxury items when I come home (but you didn't buy that for a minute, did you?)  What they bring are these dramatic and exaggerated expressions of starvation, a little irritation for being awoken, but for the most part gratitude for my arrival.  Because, naturally, even if they were fed a mere hour ago, they think it's chow time again.  So there will be some disappointment when they realize I'm unpacking groceries, or making phone calls, or sitting down.  But one cat or another will usually forgive me enough to come curl up next to me and shed volumes of fur onto the furniture to reassure me that it's going to be all right and they can endure their hardship just a little longer and sense it's coming sooner rather than later.  These are incredibly intuitive creatures, after all. 

Cat Naps

Geez, we all want a snuggle buddy like this

I'd like to take this moment to marvel on what we refer to as "cat naps".  The definition of a cat nap (or catnap with no spaces as it is shown in my dictionary) is 1. (noun) a short, light nap or doze. 2. (verb) to doze or sleep lightly.  One could argue that while cats seem to nap with one eye open (or ears that constantly rotate satellite-style), my cats have perfected the nap and they can be KONKED out and they are marathon sleepers.  This is no short, light nap.  They can sleep like the sand man has thrown the whole bucket in their eyes and to watch them contort their bodies into comfy poses makes them look like furry noodles. This is cat yoga.

Dogs seem to be the favored partner

We've all seen the funny photos on the internet where cats are sleeping in the most unlikely places, or they've hypnotized a dog or deer, or other unsuspecting mammal to cuddle with them so they can slumber together. In my home sleepy cats approaching us are referred to as the "user kitties." Cats prefer sleeping buddies in most cases, or perhaps they have thermal vision that we are unaware of and can zero in on the hot spots of la-la-land.   I definitely envy this superpower as I thrash about on some nights trying to find the best dream-inducing pose on my lumpy mattress beside my snoring (sorry, dear) husband. 

Have puppy, will slumber

Too big to be ticks, can we still call them parasites?

Recently I was recovering from a bug and my darling Tigger decided to honor me with his presence during his nap time (and mine) on my bed.  I know I would rest much better if he would just keep his four paws to himself, but for some crazy reason, he prefers to curl up against me and stroke my face like I'm his precious kitten.  It's really sweet. I tried not to focus on where those paws have been and opened my eyes and there he was, staring at me cross-eyed with a look of such feline adoration that it was quite humbling because I know he was expressing an emotion to me and I needed to receive it.  So I caught this on my camera and you can see how his fatness just spoons into me.  It's a gift.  But it's still not a good quality nap.  It's distracting and loving so I lay there feeling adored and exhausted.

This is my beloved Tigger during naptime

I laughed out loud when I opened an application that I downloaded recently where I can scroll through photos of other people's cats laying in the strangest ways.  I want to share some of my favorites.  We've all seen the Yin/Yang cats where they are just making a circle together, but I need someone to explain the others...I know if I discovered my cats sleeping like this I'd go running for my camera too.  I sure am grateful they had theirs...Enjoy!

The passed-out kitten

The computer fan snooze

Yin Yang cats

Umm, penthouse kitty?

 

The perfect ingredients for a nap

Please don't start the engine...!

????!!!

I can't see how this is comfortable?

Kitten Season!

Our four foster kitties July 2011

I was having a conversation with a fellow cat lover the other day who also volunteers at our local animal shelter and she asked me if I was going to foster kittens again this summer.  I thought to myself, "God NO!" but inside was thinking, "Is there anything cuter than a fluffy KITTEN??"  (Dear hubby...as you read this, please put the heart medication down.  I won't do anything rash.  I promise!)  You see, we acquired our last cat, Pepper, (who has just a couple redeeming qualities...I can't remember what they are right now...) from fostering her last summer.  It's a TRAP!  I think I mentioned this before when I talked about tiny animals and their pretentious little perfect cute faces.  "Look at me!  I'm defenseless and fluffy!  Don't you want to hold me in the palm of your hand?"  But honestly, fostering can be very rewarding.  It's kind of like being a grandparent because you get to borrow the babies and GIVE them back!!! Yay! 

"Cricket"

"Marley"

Often shelters are very overcrowded during the spring with what they refer to as "kitten season" and they will have more kittens than they can adopt out. They will train volunteers to take care of very young kittens until they have room for them on the adoption floor, OR if they are very young, sometimes they need round-the-clock care and volunteer help is critical when there are tiny orphan kittens of varying ages.  The shelter will usually provide all the items necessary for the kittens so you won't have to pay for anything--so all you need to offer is the love and socialization of the kittens.  This is also an incredible service because it gives the kittens an edge in being adopted later.  Fostered kittens have a much better chance at being adopted from a shelter because they are not fearful of humans and will be much more adept at human interaction.

Maxwell

Last summer we had four kittens for our first attempt at fostering.  We had them all in a big dog crate in our basement and would transfer them to a large bathroom during the day to play and stretch and stink up to their hearts content.  This was good for us because we could leave the fan on and clean a bathroom very easily afterwards.  Kittens can make a HUGE mess when they work as a team.  Do not leave toilet paper out or any carpet, towels, mementos, or dangling items unless you WANT it to be shredded and used as chew toys.  We discovered quickly that they loved to jump in and out of the bathtub and climb UP the shower curtain with their sharp little claws, and up our legs when we came in with their food.  I was also unaware that kittens growled when they ate, but this must be a pack behavior.  They were HUNGRY and would rotate around the dishes to make sure no one was getting something better than someone else.  It was pretty hilarious.

Me holding Ginger and Cricket

After four weeks of transferring these little babies back and forth from bathroom to crate, eventually they escaped into the greater space of the basement and we let them play with the LASER! This game was awesome--not quite sure how smart cats are anymore when they can't figure out that they are chasing a dot of light??!!  But anyway, we fattened them up and it became time to surrender them back to the shelter for adoption and that was a HARD day for us.  We had named them and definitely felt attached, even though four kittens (plus the two grown ones I had upstairs that I had to keep separate) were hard work.  I'm happy to say they were all adopted out.  Two of them together and although one of them came back to the shelter to be rematched a few months later, she found another home shortly after.  All four are probably enjoying their families and don't remember our time together at all.  I will never forget it.

So if you've never considered fostering an animal, definitely think about it.  It won't cost you anything but time and love.  But the memories will be priceless.  And I caution you to remember these are dangerously lovable animals.  You might end up like me.  Writing cat blogs.  And people thinking you're a little...well...kitty-whipped.