Unlikely Couples

Today is somewhat of an "anniversary" for me an my husband.  Well, not April 18, exactly.  But it's a special day to be sure because this is the 24th annual TAX SEASON we've survived as a couple.  My husband is the brilliant CPA and works diligently every year to bring home the bacon, and I am the one who spends it. We've been together for almost 28 years if you include college and all our friends will tell you that we are probably an unlikely pair if first impressions mean anything.  He is quiet and reserved where I am talkative and outgoing.  He is dignified and sensible where I am silly and enjoy making a fool out of myself.  He is very steady and predictable, but I have mood swings that make me feel animated and excited one day, and emotional and weepy the next.  He is the Yin to my Yang.  We completely balance each other out.  You would think he would get frustrated having to deal with an unbalanced character like me (this is where a friend would say, "Oh, don't be ridiculous!") but my tendency to overreact when he will chill makes us such a good match.  We're like a chocolate and vanilla swirl ice cream cone. 

I have found that we aren't the only ones who are attracted to opposites.  I love to watch the Ellen Degeneres show and she plays her favorite videos of animals playing or snuggling together.  Quite often they are completely different species!  The absolute STRANGEST I've seen is the one in this blog with the cat and the dolphin.  Think about this when you watch it.  These are creatures that would NEVER encounter each other in their natural habitat.  Yet they are doing their best to embrace each other as if they are long-lost friends.  The cat is showing affection with head butts and face wiping and the dolphin eagerly comes back for more.  I also have to comment that this cat is quite comfortable on a boat which in itself is extraordinary because just getting my cats into a car requires crates or sedatives, maybe even both.

So how do we explain this strange attraction?  Is it chemistry?  Does the cat smell the dolphin and think, "Mmmm....fish breath?"  Does the dolphin smell the cat and think, "Here's an hors d'oeuvre I've never tried..."  I don't think so.  They don't look like they want to eat each others faces like some teenagers I see when they first experience a chemical attraction.

Is it me or is this an odd pair?

So we celebrate today, the first day tax season is over, because he has been working incredibly long hours for months.  And I know it could be a lot worse--there are wives whose husbands travel for a living, have on-call jobs and disappear at a moment's notice, or are deployed now protecting our country.  My hats off to you, ladies!!  But I chose a man who will come home every night, dog-tired, but he's there, grasping the remote control in his hand as he drifts off to sleep on the couch.  We like this time of year because we have to "reconnect" and this is just another way of saying I don't choose the reality shows anymore and he gets to catch up on all those "This Old House" episodes he recorded.  Ho hum.  It's okay.  Somewhere in that humdrum we find the balance again and will do the human version of the cat/dolphin greeting and life is good.

Chattering at Bugs

Oh Dear.  I must have left the window open again because there is that sound again...the chirping and tweeting.  It's coming from the screened porch.  You might suspect that a bird has flown INTO our porch, but the chirping I'm referring to is the bizarre sounds my cat is making staring outside at the activity in the yard.  Pepper is particularly fascinated this morning with a stink bug today, which is making its way across a screen on the inside of a window frame.  She can touch it but first she is giving it hell as she chatters away telling it exactly what she thinks of it taking its time moving so slowly across our home and her view.  Yesterday it was a cardinal.  She can go on for a long time in this crouch-pounce pose like she is poised to strike, staring at her pretend prey, and totally give herself away with this weak impression of a chipmunk or chattering squirrel.  I have to wonder if she is attempting to camouflage herself with that noise, as if she's not this enormous fluffy pretender, stuttering with staccato chirps as if she's another bird or bug?  Out of the five cats I've owned, only two have made this predatory...vocal assault...on visual stimulus.  I'm not sure what else to say.  It's not like the cat is pouncing on anything.  She's just sitting there.  Squawking. Her head is bobbing around and her eyes are all big and taking everything in, but it's kind of pathetic because a cat that chirps is a little...awkward.

So this is what the cat is thinking

I know this is a common behavior in cats.  The thing I'm not sure about is why they are communicating like this.  Is it irritation, excitement, or frustration? Is it a way of blending? A threat? Or is this just another one of those many cat languages that we will never adequately comprehend yet will exploit with our many cameras and iPhones?  It is too funny to ignore and so engaging.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks so and I have YouTube to confirm this...see the end of my blog. Uh oh, she ate a stink bug.  Now her breath is going to stink more than usual.  My daughter thinks those insects smell like rotten bread.  What is she doing sniffing rotten bread?!?!

Who farted?

So Pepper has moved on from squawking to stalking and has caught one of her claws in our screen.  THIS really offends me because when she retracts her claw she takes a piece of screen which means there's another little weensy hole for more stinkbugs to enter through. Therefore, I have to come after her with the newspaper I was going to use on the bug. So the cycle works like this:  Stare.  Chatter.  Stalk.  Strike.  Stuck.  Be Struck.

I don't want to be a stink bug

Please don't think I abuse my rotten kitty.  I don't actually use force with the newspaper--it merely GRAZES her as I swipe the air in her general vicinity.   Then I turn it into a funnel to capture my stink bug population and transfer them to a new home.  Elsewhere.  I NEVER SMUSH THEM.  My husband puts them in a bucket with a tiny bit of bleach.  It's gross.  I usually just scatter them outside even though I know they will probably just return to my screen another time, but there's a tiny piece of me that worries about Karma and what if I come back in the next life as a stinky bug?  Deep, huh?  Ha ha.  If I come back as a stinky bug I probably deserve it.  SMUSH!!

Chattering Kitty
 Another Chirping Cat

Kamakazi Cats

I am not a cat behaviorist.  But I can tell you a lot about cat behavior.  Bad behavior that is!  And I have two very innocent-looking cats that are pretending not to notice when one very stupid kitten is coming precariously close to using one of her nine lives each day by walking along a very high railing in our home each day and attacking...wait for it...THE SUN!  Yes, our little Pepper thinks she is SUPERFLY and that she has cosmic powers and will use her amazing death claws to capture sunlight in her paws while she balances herself on her two back legs (these are starting to resemble ham hocks) on a second story rail in our dramatic foyer.   I cringe every day when I look up and see her shadow moving along in what she considers stealth, and I consider upcoming tragedy.  I think the other cats are silently giggling because when I approach her to put her down, they are always nearby sitting innocently on the floor, safely egging her on with tiny chirps of encouragement.  "Sure, Pepper!  That light sure is moving quickly along the wall!! Don't let it get away from you!!"  And when I pick her up and look at them with reproach, there is no shame on their elder faces.  They are innocent bystanders pretending to lick their privates as any natural witness to a crime would do.  What's a Mama Cat to do??

Take a gander at this home video shot this morning....Pepper on a Railing

Is she not the stupidest cat?  Maybe I should just throw her down and get it over with!?  Let me tell you why this is such a disturbing activity.  Do you see the bad cat at the foot of the stairs?  Tigger?  The CROSS-EYED cat?  He didn't always have cross-eyes!  (just kidding--he did)  Actually, Tigger was about the same age when he discovered the power of leaping onto the surface of the very same railing and with overconfidence leaped OVER the railing and landed DIRECTLY onto the wood foyer below.  What a thump that made!  And when he landed, it was a thump that could be heard round the block.  He looked so shocked that I think he wasn't sure he survived the fall.  He did land on his paws, although I'm sure they stung quite a bit because after about a five-second delay, he looked at me and I looked at him and he disappeared like a cartoon with legs flailing in all directions, not quite sure what direction they were supposed to move in.  I don't think we saw him for hours after that and he didn't jump onto counters or anything higher than a coffee table after that incident.  The boom that it made after he crash-landed like that was so loud, I actually remember looking to see if there was a crater in my foyer.  Poor kitty.

I know the science is that cats always "land on their feet" blah blah blah.  But I know you have laughed at as many cat videos as I have when they misread their distance or get startled or a baby approaches and things just don't go right.  Cats are fallible.  And it's hilarious when they fall and then try to walk away as if they meant to land on their faces like that.  Especially when it's in a fish tank.  That's my personal favorite.  But when it comes to my little poopsies personal safety and the threat of a ridiculous and unnecessary veterinary trip...I say forget it.  No fall is that funny.

But Pepper is reckless and innocent and remarkably stupid.  So I'm taking wagers today on how soon Toonsis and Tigger will have their way with Pepper and get her to fall off the rail, and I'm not going to baby-proof the house with a trampoline in the foyer, but let's just see how this ends.  Maybe I should have a kitty-cam attached to Pepper's head so that we can all see how it looks when she takes her first flight?  She's dumb enough as it is so I'm praying she doesn't get further brain damage.  I don't want to add any more videos to this particular genre but I will add some of my favorites of OTHER CATS.  Now, if you will excuse me I have some pillows to throw down on the floor.

My favorite cat falling videos for your viewing pleasure:
Cat Falling in Fish Tank
Cat Falling Over Baby Gate
Kitten Pushes Another Kitten Down Ladder

Kitty Withdrawal

At this very moment I am enjoying Spring Break at the beach which means I've ventured many hours away from my home along with countless families across the nation who all converge on the same plot of land and demand access to the same over-chlorinated pool.  Naturally, we all share some common goals:  radiate ourselves in the sun, do some expert people watching, and avoid parental liability when our children have junk food freak-outs in public.  (i.e. "Timmy? Please calm down while we go find your mother....")  Ah, the calming sounds of the ocean with the seagulls dive bombing the family next blanket over as their kids throw them bits of Cheetos and then run for cover.  This is relaxation.  The best part of the trip for me was the eight-hour drive, and that was mostly just the bumper-to-bumper arrival for the last ten miles.  We only live thirty miles away.  Ha ha.  I joke.  We live further than that, but I did have to split the trip into two days which meant we spent the night in a hotel at the halfway point.  We were delighted to find a clean room with no bed-bugs.  Sadly, there was a family of pacing pachyderms above us and for the life of me, I'm not sure what the fuss was about, or why they chose to stay at a hotel if all they wanted to do was practice their tap dancing all night.  Alas, when we finally got to our destination, I was poised to chill out and catch up on some Zzz's and be a professional slacker.

But I can't believe after all the fussing I do on a regular basis about all the hairballs, litter issues, paws where they shouldn't be, etc...I actually miss my kitties!  Not the work of caring for them.  Just their companionship and their little furry warm bodies when I'm trying to get comfortable in an unfamiliar bed.  And when I'm drinking my coffee in the morning and watching the sunrise I can't help but wonder if my cats would enjoy a nice stretch on this warm balcony too and listen to the ocean?  I see lots of people walking their dogs on the beach and, of course you can't take a cat for a walk (I've seen videos and that's an entirely different blog), but you don't see cats wandering around on the beach often in America.  Years ago I went to Europe and in Spain there were plenty of feral cats on the beach.  I saw them in the Bahamas too.  These were very resourceful cats that were pretty wary of humans, but would make the best of whatever scraps we inevitably leave behind in our vacation-mode.  I shudder to think how my domestic babies would function when left to their own devices in a strange place.  They know how to beg, but goodness knows they would see an approaching car and roll onto their backs to offer their bellies because they are that stupid and trusting. 

Which brings me back to longing to rub their little fuzzy bodies and give a good head scratch.  And if I wander over to my daughter and do this right now she will slap my hand away and look at me like the demented soul I am.  And head-butting a human is definitely not a good idea.  So despite the wonder of a blissful vacation, I will enjoy returning home in a few days to greet the Easter Bunny and my fat kitties.  They look a little bit like Peeps in the window when I get there, all lined up like little fat marshmallows.  I just hope they don't get into any of those Easter goodies I've hidden around the house while I'm away.  A trip to the vet is not the welcome home that I appreciate.  But I know my husband is doing his best to keep up with the five litter boxes, three food dishes and water bowls, separate feeding times, carpet accidents, and keeping them all apart at bedtime.  My poor honey, being an accountant makes him the sucker that stays behind for the cats every April while I get to live it up and ponder kitty withdrawal.  It's just not right, is it?  But he gets to do his kitty bonding now and I'm sure there's a small part of him that is grateful for the company while his family is away.  They are great little buddies--high maintenance, yes.  But I wouldn't trade them for all the Spring Breaks in the world.

You Are Getting Very Sleepy....Sleepy...Sleepy

Have you ever tried to stare down a cat?  Try it.  I bet you can't.  We have a champion at staring contests in our house.  I know, I know, ALL CATS can stare.  But Toonsis is THE BEST at making you feel defeated in a staring contest.  Most cats don't particularly care to stare with you for too long.  They will soon get bored with your human face and wander off, or fall asleep.  But Toonsis can keep her owlish eyes locked for such a long time, I have to wonder what in the world she is thinking about.  Maybe I'm the only cat person who plays this childish game with her cats (I doubt it) but I have to do it because I just can't resist a challenge and she is constantly trying to get my attention and so we play this game often.

TOONSIS - THE HYPNOTIST

The other day I was reading the newspaper and she sat on the precise paragraph I was reading, which was particularly rude considering she had been fed and had already performed her routine of begging to come in and out of the house multiple times for the morning.  I wasn't sure what she wanted, so I looked at her and noticed she had this look on her face...I know cats don't really change their expressions too much, and it's not like she had any sinister motives, but she seemed like she had issued that dare to stare...so we engaged.  30 Seconds later and my eyes began to sting a little but she kept looking at me.  45 seconds and I could hear the other cats approaching--now we had an audience.  It got kinda creepy after that and I felt a little intimidated for some reason.  Was that a sinister look on her face??   How dare she!! What would she have to gain out of it anyway?  It's not like I'm under any spell.  So I just gave her a treat and walked away.  Trance, Schmance.

But I don't feel so bad because my older daughter is capable of hypnotizing Toonsis into kitten submission.  What I mean by "kitten submission" is that Toonsis recognizes my daughter as her Mama Cat.  My daughter can softly speak to Toonsis and lay her down on the ground and the next thing you know, Toonsis (who seriously doesn't like to have her tummy rubbed) will have her paws up and lay still and quiet--it's eerie.  We have the video.Click to See Toonsis Being Hypnotized

My daughter is also able to do this with our other cats on the hard floor and the cats will allow her to drag them around and they go completely limp.  I don't particularly care for this because they are adult cats and it looks uncomfortable to me.  Not to mention, undignified, and they are grownups, after all.   But if you have a teenager, like cats, you turn around one minute and you'll wish you hadn't looked.   But trust me, it's far from torture. The cats are totally relaxed and look at me like, "What's the fuss?" Personally, I have my own method of hypnosis for my cats.  It's called rubbing behind the ears like a normal person, but call me crazy.


I found this one video on YouTube where this one cat has a FREAK OUT button or something, because the owner approaches humming the theme from jaws (now tell me that's not intimidating...) and this cat absolutely melts down practically foaming at the mouth.  I'm not sure if it likes this or what, you be the judge.  But when it is talking and licking furiously, it is definitely trying to say something....Please.  Stop.  Now.  Click Here to See YouTube CAT FREAK OUT

If a cat could hypnotize, would it use its powers for good?

Every cat has a magic button and I think it is our responsibility to discover it.  Once you find it--this weak spot, we can have the kitty under our spell.  It's only fair, after all.  Because for the most part my cats have me totally mesmerized most of the time.

The Wild Hair

You spooked me!!

Ready for action!

The Flying Squirrel

We have an expression in our home for our cats when they start galloping around the house like horses with their tails in the air and their eyes all wild and haunted as if they are being chased by demons.  We say they have a "burr up their butt" which isn't a very delicate expression, but obviously there is something wrong with these animals because they are wildly running amok as if something just bit them as they tear along the wood floors uselessly like cartoon characters trying to get traction.   There is usually just a few reasons for the panic:  1)  The cat has just left a 20% deposit of their body weight in the litter box and is trying to escape the odor before they could take the blame, 2) it is being chased by the hounds of hell, OR 3) it is practicing kitty parkour.  How else can you explain the cat in front of me who thinks she can hold up a door frame, staring at the ceiling with her ears back and wide eyes jumping up and down and then scurrying away making squirrel noises? Most often it's the 20% deposit, and the "burr" is no longer in the cat's butt, if you will.  Personally, if I lost that much weight every time I visited the bathroom I probably would run around with a little more zip in my step too.  When I go to clean up after these furry bums, I am quite impressed with their intestinal prowess. However, we all know that cats have very inflated egos so if they could see how uncool all this weird sprinting looked, they would calm down and stroll around and leave whatever crime scene they just created with much more dignity.  If you ask me, this act is the human equivalent of running around with a piece of toilet paper stuck to their shoe or their skirt tucked into their waistband.  That's embarrassing. We all know what's just happened.  Better to be proud and walk around with some pride after that achievement if you ask me.  It reminds me of that one guy in the office who walks around with the newspaper tucked under his arm and announces where he's going with no shame.  The worst part for me is that this cat is like a red flag galloping around my house alarming me that there is a ticking time bomb in my home.  I guess the only consolation is it's better than not knowing about it, right?  Whip out the Febreeze and try not to gag.

Occasionally, our younger cats will chase each other around the house and dart around playing tag and the noise they make ripping up the carpet and tearing up the stairs would make you think bowling balls have legs and they are coming after you.  They are wild freaks and every now and then one of those creeps will bang into a piece of furniture and things will calm down real fast.  I'm pretty sure the youngest has brain damage because she acts just a little more stupid than the others and has a dumb vacuous look in her eyes when she does her galloping.  I know it's game over when I hear the sound of a door jamb being sprung.  What annoys me the most is when the cats decide to use our bed as their proving grounds when we are enjoying our morning coffee and watching the news.  Or worse, when we sit at the kitchen table eating (anything) the cats will lose all sense of boundaries and this wild hair will compel them to leap onto any available surface and scatter newspapers and dishware recklessly in their quest for immediate energy release.  Our pathetic waving arms as they speed across rooms in breathless abandon have no impact on their ninja efforts to reject gravity or sprout wings.  I don't have any good video of this crazy action because as soon as it begins, it ends.  It's like a whirlwind of feline devastation, so keep your arms and hands to yourself.  But most of you cat lovers have witnessed this wonder yourselves and won't be strangers to this freakout.  I have included a link to a YouTube video of one of my favorite series of cat attacks, etc.  I am sure most of them originated with a wild hair.  It's not rabies, it's just cat frenzy and so fun to point and laugh, as long as you're not a victim of their bizarre aggression.  Hope you like it!

Crazy Cat Video


Click Here to see YouTube Crazy Cat VideoCrazy Cat Video

You've Been Gone FOREVER!!

I've read studies about animals that have a "sixth sense" about their owners approaching home, even when they aren't immediately visible or audible.  For instance, if a homeowner has been away for hours a dog or cat may wait impatiently at the window or on their familiar cushion but for no apparent reason, ears perk and this loyal animal will run to the door and expectantly sit with eager anticipation of their loved one making their entrance.  I am no stranger to this phenomena as my own three cats often come greet me at the door when I arrive home and since I know how lazy they are, and how distant their beddy-byes and sunspots are, they may have had to amble at least five or ten feet when I opened the door.  How is this possible?  I know that this can be explained in different ways.  Obviously, one may argue there is a habitual response in the behavior of the owner and the animal and the arrival times do not vary much and the pet is merely responding out of a pattern of learned behavior.  We could also assume that there is some kind of response from another person within the home that tips the pets off to the approaching owner.  Maybe they even have such a strong sense of smell that the owner's arrival is something we underestimate in terms of what we've already studied in the senses of dogs and cats.

Or MAYBE, our animals are extraterrestrials.  Haha.  I kid.  I wanted to make sure you were still reading.

What is most amazing is that one of my cats is holding my slippers, the other brings me a newspaper, and the third one is bringing me a drink.  This is outrageous and I think deserves special recognition.  Can anyone else brag about THEIR cat doing this??  All my dog-owner friends get barks and jumped on. Occasionally I will go to a friends house and the dog will come and sniff me in such a private and intimate way that I have to step back and say, "Excuse me!  Have we MET?!!"  Of course we may have, but this seems to have no reflection on the manners of the dog, or the owner, as I am being probed by a wet nose and I slap it away as gently and as politely as possible.  (I need to mention, I am being polite in only slapping a dog's face away from my crotch--but some people do get offended if you push the dog's nose away!  "Oh, they must smell your pet!"  Really?  That's not where I keep it...duh)  I think I may just need to purchase some armor in the future before I arrive at a dog-lover's home to avoid being violated.  Some dogs are much more well-behaved and will only bark at you until you acknowledge them and then they run away and scoff at you in private.

Dogs, I must say, are much more enthusiastic hosts than cats.  They are genuinely excited to see you arrive.  Most of the time you can tell because of all the noise and body language.  If you had to measure a cat's excitement at a guests arrival, I'm not sure you could find a scale that measured that low. I have one or two cats that do greet guests, but it's only to sniff their fingers or pants leg to see if they brought any fresh fish.  Most of the time they run away as if they heard the vacuum cleaner.



You know they don't REALLY bring me all these luxury items when I come home (but you didn't buy that for a minute, did you?)  What they bring are these dramatic and exaggerated expressions of starvation, a little irritation for being awoken, but for the most part gratitude for my arrival.  Because, naturally, even if they were fed a mere hour ago, they think it's chow time again.  So there will be some disappointment when they realize I'm unpacking groceries, or making phone calls, or sitting down.  But one cat or another will usually forgive me enough to come curl up next to me and shed volumes of fur onto the furniture to reassure me that it's going to be all right and they can endure their hardship just a little longer and sense it's coming sooner rather than later.  These are incredibly intuitive creatures, after all.