Introvert Seeks Indoor Friendships...Cat Applications Accepted

Harley, the cat who inspires friendship

I have made many friends in my lifetime, but I don't think I've ever made any friends like the ones I've made this year over the internet.  Sure,  I've spent some time "dawdling" on this blog here talking about my adorable felines.  And due to my love of my sweet kitties I've made some friends who have commented on their shared interests (either via my blog or on other sites) and I've become quite close to one in particular because we have so much in common.  And it's all thanks to our cats.  What's most interesting about our friendship is that she and I are on opposite sides of the globe but we chat every single day now.  I'll call her "R"...to protect her identity.  Because that's what's we do on the net.

We have exchanged many pictures and videos of our little kitties (her kitties are on this page) but our friendship has elevated to include stories about family, friends, and our struggles with motherhood and health.  We truly have a lot in common and I feel unnaturally blessed to have this person in my life now and I marvel at the miracle of the internet that makes this type of social connection possible.  I know there are a lot of skeptics out there that advise against being close to people you "don't know" who might steal your identity.  But this isn't like one of those friendships.  This reminds me of one of those friendships you would make if you were walking your dog and another person was walking their dog and you strike up a conversation about the breed and you say farewell.  And the next day you see the same person and you have another conversation.  After a few days this person becomes familiar and you walk on the same path every day at the same time and it's just such a normal thing for you to have a friendship with someone who has the same pet as you and you warily give each other information about yourself and the next thing you know you meet each other to walk your dogs together.  It's just that kind of friendship.  Neighbors who walk with each other on opposite ends of the earth.

Why do I blog about this now?  Because I think it's bizarre that in the media there is so much hype about social connection and how we have to be so cautious about all of our privacy and data and all the while Facebook and Twitter make social barriers break down even more and people aren't even bothering to introduce themselves before they barge into conversations or insult each other publicly.  It's created what I think is like "social media anxiety"...There's a paradox that exists now that never has before where people are expected to do commerce with total strangers yet not have any social filters.  It's up to the individual to establish boundaries and maintain trust.  If I do all my bill paying online no one bats an eye, but if I talk about my personal life, suddenly that's more sacred and I'm being scrutinized by neighbors or family as eccentric. What I have is a good old-fashioned friendship with a person who happens to live thousands of miles away.  We don't exchange bank accounts or ask for sales leads.  Is it natural or possible in this day and age for people to make these kinds of social connections NOT to have humorous banter and commentary that leads to friendship? THAT is also due to the nature of the internet and the ability to sit and chat anytime while you are in a room full of your family while they watch TV and you can send a text across the world.  I know that may be considered rude.  But I don't always want to watch what my family is watching.  I want to talk to "R" about my cats.  Or my day.  Or whatever.  And she can tell me what the future is like in Australia because she's 15 hours ahead of me (LOL).  It is all a little bit surreal when you think about it and I don't think I could explain it to my ancestors.  Heck, my parents don't even really get it. (Seriously, I wouldn't have believed it were possible if you told me ten years ago this was future-me)  But my husband gets it and he often tells me to say "hi" to my friend when we are on WhatsApp texting each other during some program I'm not watching.

Also, I am a really indoor person.  That's bad grammar.  But it's honest. I don't go out much and I have serious problems with my stupid kidneys and so when I'm annoyed I spend time on this machine here on which I type (Voila!!) and this is how I make friends sometimes.  I used to have a job where I was on the phone ALL DAY talking to people.  Now, as a result, I hate talking on the phone.  I prefer texting over talking. It's not the most efficient way to communicate either.  Definitely not the most effective way to translate snark. However, thanks to the wonder of the INTERWEB I can connect socially without leaving my home.  It has turned me into quite the social BUTTERcaterpillar.  (that's me climbing into a cocoon...adding butter because I eat copious amounts of popcorn while I'm in there)  If I didn't have to go out to get groceries it's possible I would never leave my house.  It's not healthy, I know.  But my cats are happier than I've ever seen them.  They look at me smirking as if to say, "Told you the couch is really cozy, right? Come over to this sunny spot here...great for naps!"

Lexi...beautiful dreamer!

So while I'm tapping away on this weirdish rant, I guess the bottom line is I wish to thank my CATS for inspiring me to write a blog in the first place.  Otherwise, I would still be just staring at them and saving it for my exhausted husband who really doesn't want to hear all the awe and wonder I have about them when he comes home after calculating people's taxes at the end of the day.  And I would also like to thank Mark Zuckerberg for creating Facebook because it makes it not so creepy for me to be friends with "R"--she's really terrific and I hope she reads this and knows I am writing this partly because I feel I owe her a debt of gratitude for getting me off the couch today.  Also because I think cats are awfully cool.

Disasters for Cats

This week I experienced Hurricane Sandy.  Up close and personal.  For me this meant being riveted by the news and the non-stop weather updates and meteorologists giving us a detailed analysis of the path of the hurricane's progress up the US East Coast and the obligatory personal account from the various beaches as they were pelted with rain and wind with poor satellite feeds just to give it added credibility.  If those images weren't scary enough, every now and then pieces of the "famous boardwalk" would drift past a reporter for added measure.  Fortunately for my family, we only suffered a flickering of power and two days of closed businesses and schools while our neighbors to the north suffered extreme devastation.  I am praying for them and the terrible conditions they will endure in the days, weeks and months to come cleaning up the damage.

While we hunkered down expecting the worst we looked at the cats to determine how they were reacting to this storm.  When the wind was whistling through the house and making the shutters bang and cedar shingles shake, the cats ears were alternately rotating and eyes grew wide as if to say..."WTF??!!!"  Tigger was pretty chill, he didn't do a lot of panicking and preferred a stance of laid back acceptance.  It was as if he was prepared for whatever fate came--if it was his time, well, so be it.  He is pretty much always in a demeanor of calorie conservation.  Why expend energy when he can either be eating or sleeping, right?  Now Toonsis and Pepper were a different story...

Pepper is a wild raving lunatic.  She is now the happy age of one year.  Which is the human equivalent of a wise teenager.  Think about it.  There's no such thing as a wise teenager.  She over-reacts to everything, including being fed, stroked, looked at.  The first whistle of 45mph wind gusts and she was history.  We didn't see much of Pepper until later.

Toonsis is a weird kitty.  Of course when you name a cat after an SNL skit you are bound to end up with a character, but she's really funny.  Last month I found her in front of the sliding glass door chattering at a chipmunk she saw staring at her from the other side.  She was so upset looking at that rodent on the other side and not being able to get to it that she reminded me of how I feel when I'm in an Apple store looking at all the expensive toys there.  I haven't seen the chipmunk in weeks, but EVERY DAY she goes to that door and stands there waiting for her little friend, chattering, and staring at me anxiously as if to tell me she knows it was there and where did it go?  She is practically a STALKER at that door every day waiting for that nonexistent chipmunk.  She will leave the door for 10 minutes but then race back from across the house to make sure she didn't miss its return.  Psycho-cat.

So, anyway, Toonsis was hiding under a desk during the storm.  Poor poopsie.  We let her sleep under our bed during the worst part of the windy night, but once things calmed down, she went back to her sliding door post.  Just like a little sentinel.  I hope that chipmunk is ok.

What makes me sad is watching some of the footage of the abandoned pets during the storm.  How do people do that when they had so much warning about the hurricane? And thank God for the rescue workers who came in and found them.  I hope all my readers out there know as winter approaches how unbelievably dependent cats really are on their owners for love and shelter.  Don't think you can leave your kitty on a farm or in the woods and just 'cause they have claws they can fend for themselves.  That is a real disaster recipe.  Domesticated cats used to being fed and loved won't know what hit them.

I hope all your fluffy family members are safe out there and that you haven't had to endure any disasters heavier than dirty litter boxes.  God Bless.

When Good Cats Go Bad...

No, it's not the smell of the refrigerator that's bothering you.  But something is a little too ripe in the house.  And I'll bet it's squatting somewhere it's not supposed to, or stalking you while you sleep, or just has an attitude that says, "I have decided cute is no longer useful to me...I have chosen evil."  Can this cat be reformed?  That's up to you.  If you are the happy owner of this once beloved fluffball who used to purr softly in your lap and look at you adoringly and curl around your legs while you made breakfast...there may be hope.  But if this sketchy and suspicious feline has always been a blur prancing through the house and ducking all of your well-intentioned petting, maybe you need a little prayer time.  Not all cats are innate cuddlers or natural playmates for your kids and dogs (haha poor Fido!)  Most cats prefer to DOMINATE their surroundings.  And I use caps and am yelling at you for a reason.  If you haven't already figured it out, cats will NOT BE IGNORED and so the primary reason a cat will turn on its loyal owner and savior from the shelter/agency/highway/ex-lover is because it's not getting enough attention.  Little Fluffy really has to have enough toys scattered around the house to "hunt" or else will create an environment befitting her royal station (deluded she may be, but all cats believe they are royal). Otherwise, you are risking her creating toys from your favorite knick-knacks and souvenirs from that last vacation you took.  If you don't provide enough stimulation, I guarantee she will find a way to manipulate her environment to be a stalking ground which isn't the same thing as a safe play area.  Do you really feel safe walking barefoot around your sofa with that kitty lurking quietly...claws at the ready...after she's been home alone with nothing to shred?  For the love of unbroken skin, buy some tiny toy mice and plastic balls and scatter them around so you are no longer a pawn in her game of hide and go FREAK!

This?

or...this?? (gulp...)

You've lost that Lovin Feelin'

What?

Perhaps a little wild kitty isn't the problem with your once grateful and loving schnoogums.  Maybe he just stopped waiting for you at the window when you arrived home and that loving feeling is gone?  Have you been getting the suspicious aura of...something or other in the corner?  Does it seem like the litter box has less to offer than it used to?  Hmmm.  Maybe you even catch your precious Zeus in the sink now and then, making a "statement" about the location of his toilet?  Bad kitty.  It's time to make sure he knows who's boss!  No, he's not a dog and you can't smush his nose in it (not that that is an effective method for house-training a dog, either, by the way!)  The fact is that house-soiling is a cat's way of communicating his irritation with you about his surroundings (unless there is a medical problem.)  So let's assume you've taken him to the vet and you've spent the required $300 on tests and labs and your vet smiles and looks at you while telling you how perfectly "normal" your cat is.  Next, let's examine the house again...What's different?  Have you added a person/cat/dog/iguana/construction worker?  Started playing the drums?  Did you (suck in breath) MOVE YOUR FURNITURE?!?!? Well, change to a cat is never a good thing.  You might have to start following kitty around and watching when he eats and then carry his lazy butt to the litterbox and plop him in there and see if he'll go.  Peristalsis almost always leads to elimination (especially first thing in the morning) so even if he looks at you like you've lost your mind, bear with it.  Maybe he'll reward you with a scratch and a pee and then remember that's where he's supposed to go and won't have any leftovers to spread around later.  It's like interrupting the cycle of a bed-wetter.  Make sure you know when he is having the "accident" (yes, let's call it an accident) and train him to recognize it as an accident and where to take it...maybe it will stop.  And for GOODNESS SAKE...keep the box clean and in a quiet, safe place where it can't be messed with by the dog/iguana/construction worker.  Those distractions would interfere with my bladder too.


There is always the possibility you have a rotten egg.  There are a few cats that resist reformation and just need space and independence and want nothing to do with human intervention.  What on earth can you do with a cat like this?  Well, I might argue you have the easiest pet in the world because you just need to provide food and shelter and have patience because if the cat is that independent, it's not likely to interfere with your life too much.  Try to honor its request for space and realize it has individuated from you. It's kind of like a dependent teenager that wants to leave home but never gets a job, lays around on the couch all day, eating your food, using your stuff, and making no apologies for the messes. You have to adopt the "unconditional love" policy and realize it's too late for rehab and maybe someday this annoying creature will approach you for a hug and show a smidgen of gratitude.  But don't hold your breath.  It would be cruel to throw the kitty out.  It obviously has no idea what it has done wrong, it has no conscience.  It's just a self-absorbed kitty that needs to be ignored and maybe, just MAYBE, once you forget your need for attention it might come around...on tender paws...and sniff you...because (like I said) cats cannot tolerate being ignored...

Smelly Fingers

Finger-sniffing.  Let's admit it. We all do it.  What I'm referring to is the royal ritual we must engage in to approach your standoffish feline at the moment of introduction. 

"David, this is Mr. Pringles.  Mr Pringles, this is HISS hiss hisssssss!" 

What just happened here?  You guessed it.  Your friend David either just had a new smile carved onto his face by Mr. Pringles or shreds of cat fur went spinning in the air as kitty spun in a frantic and neurotic attempt to escape the questionable intentions of David.  And why??  Because David, what a PUTZ, didn't know about the FINGER SNIFF!!  Literally everyone who knows and worships their cats realizes you NEVER approach a cat hands up as if you have the nerve to TOUCH them first...you must let them sniff your fingers, preferably the back of your hand, as if to say, "Yes, I am not worthy to touch you but I would like to become acquainted with your human."

You probably wonder how did this evolutionary chain of events occur?  Why all the fuss over a simple greeting?  Let's imagine the probable first meeting of the very first human and cat who ever domesticated each other.

HUMAN CHILD:  Look! Oh Egyptian mother!  I see an exotic lion cub licking itself on the sand.  May I touch it?
HUMAN MOTHER:  (warily eyeballing this mutant creature but weighing her options)  Of course you may!  Just make sure you don't smell like breakfast or else it might want to eat you!
HUMAN TEENAGER:  HAHAHA you ate crocodile for breakfast!  I hope it bites your fingers off!
HUMAN CHILD:  waaaaahhhhhhh!
HUMAN MOTHER:  Now look what you've done!  Little Tootsandpheromones is crying!!
HUMAN TEENAGER:  I'LL do it....just look.  If I walk very slowly...hey!  It likes me...it wants to smell my hand.  Can we keep it?

(hours later...)

HUMAN CHILD: Egyptian Mommy!  Look what we did to the pretty little lion!  We put eye makeup on it and it's sitting on Daddy's throne.  Now Daddy is afraid to touch it because it hisses like a snake!  Isn't that funny??
HUMAN MOTHER:  Did you tell your father to let it sniff his fingers?
HUMAN CHILD:......

So you can see as I have so very accurately and historically put things into perspective, 1) cats like to wear eye makeup and sit on thrones, and 2) they won't eat you if you let them sniff your fingers.

Still not convinced?  OK.  When is the last time you were able to touch YOUR OWN CAT without showing it you had nothing in your hands first?  Don't you ever feel as if your cat may be working for some type of security detail because of the lack of trust it shows in your open palms?  I cannot just pat my cats on the head without them jerking away and looking at me as if I didn't bring my permission slip first.  It doesn't apply if the cat is already sitting on you--in this case the animal has already deemed you worthy of holding its bottom, so the head is no big deal.  But just go ahead and approach a cat head-to-head and make eye contact and just wait and see what happens.  Either the cat will bail out and run away from the discomfort of the intimate stare, it will approach you with interest but still duck when that hand comes palm first, OR it will look at you disdainfully and wait for you to approach it.  In which case you still have to let the kitty sniff you.

I'd be very interested to know if I'm the only one who has such skeptical kitties and perhaps they all think I'm a serial cheater. They imagine every time I leave the house I'm going off to be with other cats.  "She's back?  Sniff her hands to make sure she doesn't smell like some strange pussycat.  She okay?  Stand down."  I get to live another day and no one eats my toes while I sleep.

You have won a scratch behind my ears!

Daily Affirmations

Who can resist a kitten?

(This blog is dedicated to my peeps on the farm--you all rock!)

I am going to start this blog with a confession:  I am a drama queen.  My family knows this and they probably share many eye-rolls at my expense, but that's okay.  I am passing down my genes to my kids and have made sure to curse both daughters with this gene as well and so far things are going on schedule so la-dee-da.  "You'll get yours for making fun of me when you have kids.  Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!"  Part of my weakness is that I need lots of attention and positive strokes for my meager accomplishments so this is why I have cats.  You don't understand the connection?  Let me explain.

Toonsis...the sweet puddy-tat

My cats are kind of silly.  They aren't all that smart or special in the sense that they belong on America's Got Talent, but I think they have skills.  I am a happy housewife.  I used to have a very lucrative career but retired some time ago when my health problems became a bit overwhelming and getting out of bed became an issue.  This is where cats are an asset.  They make great foot warmers as well as back rests and nap buddies.  Cats never make me feel guilty for not getting up to do dishes or laundry, and I think when there's competitive sleeping involved I can ALMOST win.  They are good pets if you don't require a lot of energy for feeding or playing or walking or being catatonic.  In fact, if you aren't allergic to cats, they are THE BEST pets in my opinion, especially if you are disabled or elderly because they are pretty lazy and won't require you to do much of anything except uploading "adorable" videos to YouTube and becoming eccentric and estranged from your family during reunions when you wear sweaters you find at flea markets.  When they are kittens they can be a handful, but it's very temporary and awfully fun to name them after people you know and then invite those people over.   Cats are practically born housebroken and natural neatnicks so you won't have a smelly pet unless you have a problem scooping litter.  Or you hoard cats.  Please don't hoard cats.

Watching at the door

Now, for the attention that I need...I am often alone at home while my loved ones pursue their busy lives (which is how it should be) and I really enjoy my solitude.  However, while mommy has the duty of encouraging the kids and being there for my darling hubby to come home to, there is that tiny voice inside me named Self-Doubt that won't shut up no matter how many wonderful things I do for others or how often I buy myself chocolate.  I have my limits because I spend a fair amount of time in doctor appointments and this has been the worst year so far with hospital "procedures," but I long to do something worthwhile and leave my legacy like anyone else.  I'm not sure how other mothers do it, I juggle lots of projects and the typical duties of a stay-home mom are numerous and seldom noticed by those who are at the receiving end of those activities.  But the struggle is to not complain about my role and count my blessings at the same time.  So I look at my precious felines and smile because they represent little pieces of serenity that walk around talking to me and thanking me for every little thing I do.

My lovable Tigger

When I feed them in the morning, they meow and wind their little bodies around me anxiously until they have their bowls filled.  They know the drill and I'm happy to see them each morning waiting for me at the top of the stairs where they greet me with chirps and happy tails.  When it's naptime, Tigger reminds me how tired I really am and accompanies me to my room where he curls his body into me and spoons me into sweet healing slumber.  When the weather is fair, they all sit on the porch and stare excitedly at the birds and entertain me with their dilated pupils and wild scampering from one side to the other.  And when I come home from wherever, they come out from under the couch or the bed or whatever cuddly corner they were in and sleepily yawn at me as if to say, "Yo, familiar-smelling big bald cat!  Glad you're here.  Where's our tender vittles?" 

Toonsis attempting to prevent a housebreak

This doesn't sound like much, but for me these are my daily affirmations.  My little furry dependents.  Anyone who loves their cats can tell you that owning one and loving one are two different things and when you love a cat definitely they love you back.  

Do Cats Get Headaches?

Last night I had a migraine.  Not your run of the mill headache.  This pain was epic.  Right between my neck and my temples...basically, my entire head.  It had a pulse.  I can imagine that it also was creating its own light source--red with an angry orange shooting out like lava from my ears.  I was thrashing around on my bed like a fish that had been hooked and dragged onto a boat.  Begging for mercy from the pharmaceutical geniuses of the world, I grabbed several containers of my favorite pain cocktails and poured myself a mixer of muscle relaxers and pain-be-gone and just lay there for at least 45 minutes staring at the ceiling waiting for deliverance. 

In this wild state of wacky medicinal la-la-land, I thought about my poor kitties at home in the heat without me.  I am on vacation (yes, what a great way to spend the night!!) and they have no one there to share their day with.  But then I thought about all the times I find them all curled up sleeping in little circles with their precious paws covering their eyes and wonder...do cats get headaches?  I mean, how would we know if they did?  They always wander around with a kind of devil-may-care attitude.  But how many times do we pay attention when they are REALLY trying to actively EVADE attention in that "I'm in pain" passive kind of way?  Those are the precise moments they look the most adorable and I can hardly resist picking up the little oom-foo-foo and feeling the body go limp and the tiny meow of protest.  Isn't that sweet?  So precious.

But maybe what we ought to be doing is massaging their little temples. Or their paws. You know all our nerves end in our feet and they have FOUR so if we can learn cat reflexology then if you can find a cat that allows you to massage its feet without ripping you to shreds--maybe we can cure all kinds of diseases without paying those exhorbitant vet bills!  Just imagine that kitty with the spa treatment...its a relaxing image...my headache is starting to subside...

AHA!  I've just realized one of the keys to getting rid of MY migraines is to imagine a cat at a spa!  Or maybe that's the drugs?  Or a cat taking drugs?  Definitely things don't make as much sense as they did before all the muscle relaxers kicked in...I wonder if they had cats at opium dens?  I wonder if the first person who discovered the power of opium had a cat?

I think I feel a lot better now.  The pulsing in my head is gone and now I just feel like it's just a great big cotton ball.  Better than a throbbing ball of red hot lava.  But I know for sure the next time I see my kitty laying down with his paws over his eyes blocking out the light, I am going to respect his space and just let him snooze.  After all, he may be dreaming about giving me a massage.

Weight Loss Challenge

When I weigh myself I often challenge the scale to a debate which sounds like this in my head.
    ME:  "My hair is wet. That has to add at least 4 pounds." 
    SCALE:  "But your hair is only 10 inches long and is towel-dry."
    ME: "And I forgot to exhale before I stepped on the scale. Let's try this again."
    SCALE:  "Right."
    ME: "Oops, I forgot to shave my legs before I weighed myself.  None of this matters."
    SCALE:"You need to see what matters from this angle."
    ME:  "Besides, I ate too much sodium last night so that added at least .8 oz"
    SCALE: "...?"
    ME: "I'm throwing this thing out."
    SCALE: "!!!!!*(&$"


What's the worst part of this debate is that I'm having it with an inanimate object and I think I lost.  Oh dear.  Tragically I have similar "conversations" like this with my hairbrush, my clothes, even my mirror.  I think I am definitely in need of a summer makeover.  To tell you the truth, I don't feel responsible for looking as shaggy as I feel and that's part of the problem.  I have chronic health issues and there are many days that I wake up and the most I can do is drag a toothbrush across my teeth and pretend not to feel like I was run over by a Zamboni.  But today I am sitting here confronted with my husband who just bounced into the living room all sweaty from a refreshing jog and looking like he just regained his youth and I feel I have somehow become a little too catlike in my demeanor.  I can sit here and blink at him slowly and lazily and it really wouldn't phase me if he poured me a saucer of milk at this point because I have become that slow-moving and even diligent in my sloth.  Something must be done.


I recollect my days as a teenager and energy and wild abandon I had and the restraint it took just to sit still. Where did that go?  Does this happen to everyone when they reach their 40s?  Right now I could probably win a sleeping marathon.  The other day I went to bed around 10pm and when I woke up the next morning, I was in the exact same position I fell asleep in.  I'm not sure that's natural.  Or healthy.  I was so freaking tired from doing nothing all day that I was exhausted.  What was that about?


So I have spent entirely too much time with my cats, watching them, admiring their ability to do nothing and be professional slackers and now I have begun to emulate them and I need to tear myself away and get in shape.  I don't want to LOOK like my cats.  Tigger has the worst physique and I don't think my husband is very attracted to that look at all.  I definitely don't want my belly dragging around on the ground when I crawl.  Ewww. I exaggerate, his belly doesn't drag.  But it definitely hangs low.

So today is the first day of "the rest of my life" and I'm wondering if I can get the kitties to take an interest in the treadmill with me?  It's a shame I can't get them to work out.  I am going to include my favorite cat exercise video for your viewing pleasure and if there is any comment you can share to motivate me I sure would appreciate it.  Writing a blog is a very sedentary exercise so it's time for me to get off my butt for now.  Wish me luck!!!